Courting

A Code of Chivalry

Prowess: To seek excellence in all endeavors expected of a knight, martial and otherwise, seeking strength to be used in the service of justice, rather than in personal aggrandizement.

Justice: Seek always the path of 'right', unencumbered by bias or personal interest. Recognize that the sword of justice can be a terrible thing, so it must be tempered by humanity and mercy. If the 'right' you see rings agrees with others, and you seek it out without bending to the temptation for expediency, then you will earn renown beyond measure.

Loyalty: Be known for unwavering commitment to the people and ideals you choose to live by. There are many places where compromise is expected; loyalty is not amongst them.

Defense: The ideal knight was sworn by oath to defend his liege lord and those who depended upon him. Seek always to defend your nation, your family, and those to whom you believe worthy of loyalty.

Courage: Being a knight often means choosing the more difficult path, the personally expensive one. Be prepared to make personal sacrifices in service of the precepts and people you value. At the same time, a knight should seek wisdom to see that stupidity and courage are cousins. Courage also means taking the side of truth in all matters, rather than seeking the expedient lie. Seek the truth whenever possible, but remember to temper justice with mercy, or the pure truth can bring grief.

Faith: A knight must have faith in his beliefs, for faith roots him and gives hope against the despair that human failings create.

Humility: Value first the contributions of others; do not boast of your own accomplishments, let others do this for you. Tell the deeds of others before your own, according them the renown rightfully earned through virtuous deeds. In this way the office of knighthood is well done and glorified, helping not only the gentle spoken of but also all who call themselves knights.

Largesse: Be generous in so far as your resources allow; largesse used in this way counters gluttony. It also makes the path of mercy easier to discern when a difficult decision of justice is required.

Nobility: Seek great stature of character by holding to the virtues and duties of a knight, realizing that though the ideals cannot be reached, the quality of striving towards them ennobles the spirit, growing the character from dust towards the heavens. Nobility also has the tendency to influence others, offering a compelling example of what can be done in the service of rightness.

Franchise: Seek to emulate everything I have spoken of as sincerely as possible, not for the reason of personal gain but because it is right. Do not restrict your exploration to a small world, but seek to infuse every aspect of your life with these qualities. Should you succeed in even a tiny measure then you will be well remembered for your quality and virtue.

Dating Older Women

The reasons why some men date older women are as varied as the women themselves. These women, because of their experience, often have more wisdom and self-assurance than younger women -- perhaps they may also possess more self-reliance and tolerance.
Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well.
Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well. Clearer about who they are and what they want, "older women" may even have an advantage in the dating arena.
In some cases, having a relationship with an older woman may work for men who don't want children:
"My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years," says Rocco. "She was 53 and I was 41 when we met. We both shared many values, including our faith. Our children are grown up now, and mine love her. So, it's worked out very well. I tell men who have been divorced at least once to go for an older woman... If you find the right one, don't worry about age -- unless you still want more children."
A man who dates someone who has children his age will run into the occasional social opposition. But there are men (like Ben, 25, who is dating a 45-year-old woman) who can overcome resistance. Ben says:
"A woman can be 25 and marry a man of 45 or 55 and, hey, whatever. Traditionally, it's been ingrained in our psyches... that's the way it goes, but not the other way around. We've always known that age may be an issue. But now that we've been together for a while, I have a new perspective.
Not all men are comfortable dating older women. Some men, like Clyde, worry about the future. Clyde says:
"I dated a woman who is 15 years older. We dated for a bit and then settled into just enjoying each other's company. She has a fit body and is an attractive woman. People said to me, why don't I commit to her if we enjoy each other's company? I told them I worried about how things would feel in 10 years when she's over 60 and I'm in my 40s... And then further down the years."
Through my experience as a therapist and marriage counselor, age difference isn't as important in a relationship as most people think. What counts is whether a couple can create a working partnership and build an enjoyable life together. So, for you men who've fallen head-over-heels in love with an older woman, I've developed nine tips on how to enjoy your newly found romance:
1. Be a gentleman. An older woman wants to be treated with respect, like any woman does. While she might attract to your rebelliousness or youthful attitude, she still wants you to treat her with good manners.
2. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't worry about the future until you actually might have one. Take your time and allow the relationship to develop.
3. Stay calm. You may be excited, but don't overdo it. Have fun and enjoy your dates, but don't come on too strong. She has some reservations, too.
4. Be charming. Don't underestimate how powerful your smile can be. Use it often, make eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you about your date, and show interest in her opinions, experiences, and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever she says.
5. Don't focus on looks.
Give complements, but focus less on her physical appearance -- she may be anxious about it. And even if you're complementary, she may worry that you're too focused on looks. She wants to be appreciated for who she is, including her intellect and style. Compliments like "That color is lovely on you," or "You look great tonight" are safer than "You are in great shape."
6. Have fun. Keep your dates simple and have a good time. Focus on being pleasant, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship. Refrain from talking too long about any one subject without inviting a comment from your date.
7. Keep conversation interesting and light. Feel free to talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don't be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into her private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered.
8. Avoid talking too much about yourself. Keep your focus on learning about your date. Dole out the boring information about yourself. Punctuate your conversation with questions: "What do you think?" "Has it been that way for you?"
9. Pay attention! Listen to answers to your questions. You have things to learn here! Seek to get to know each other better. No matter how thrilled you may be about her, listening to what she says, watching what she does, and understanding how she feels are the most important things you can do.

What's Behind the Trend of Women Dating Younger Men?

There appears to be a trend of older women dating younger men, notably illustrated by celebrity couples. According to a study of 50,000 women daters over 30, conducted by an online dating site in 2007, more than one-third of the subjects showed interest in men at least 5 years younger. And in 2003, an AARP survey revealed 34 percent of 3,500 women (between ages 40 and 69) dated men who are 10 or more years younger than them. This trend appears to be shocking to some people, but I don't find it so unusual.
Socially, there's a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful now than ever before and may want men who are younger, and perhaps, more flexible; men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle takes priority over their own. Women who have high-powered careers -- or a well-developed self-image -- are exercising more choice. Women who have been divorced and are established single moms might enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with; who doesn't try to control her.
Can these older woman/younger man relationships last?
In my counseling office, I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario.
The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership that works
The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership that works.
Age difference is an adolescent worry: When you're a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a vast difference in your experience and your outlook on life. Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience. In addition, for the young, the social reaction to such a relationship is often negative. If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law.
But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to equalize your relationship skills and resources. A 10-year or more difference in your ages makes little difference in how well you can conduct your relationship.
Don't focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting along, you have good communication and problem solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be their problem.
Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A 10-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but 20-year differences or more in age can lead to some difficulties, as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. But, as long as both parties are adult, and the couple has talked about their age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their respective ages.
Dealing with the generation gap
There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.
One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part.
One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part. A younger partner isn't going to reverse the aging process or protect you from old age. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within the couple's relationship are differing maturity levels.
As more and more women choose younger partners for relationships, the question arises: Are women in their late 30s and early 40s likely to be successful with partners who are 10 to 15 years younger than themselves?
Success in these relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries and like to date people who are as active as they are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference creates a mentoring relationship the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire if and when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

If you're asking: "Is it OK for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than I am?" You'll do better off if you forget about your ages and concentrate on whether the relationship works for both of you, or not. What really makes a romantic relationship succeed is the emotional connection.

Fair Fight Guidelines

Thirty years of marriage counseling and twenty-five years of a second marriage have convinced me that fights are not necessary in a marriage. Married couples need to have discussions, they need to solve problems, and sometimes they need to disagree, but they don't need to squabble, argue, bicker, or fight. Fights are dramatic, which is not helpful to a discussion. If you have enough energy to create drama, you have more than enough to tone it down into a discussion. However, because social expectations and mythology are so strong, many of my clients want guidelines for "fighting fair." I've developed a set of Fair Fight Guidelines you may find helpful.
Fair Fight Guidelines
• Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
Remember the point of the fight is to reach a solution, not to win, be right, or make your partner wrong.
• don’t try to mind read. Ask instead what he or she is thinking.
• don’t bring up all the prior problems that relate to this one. Leave the past in the past; keep this about one recent problem. Solve one thing at a time.
• Keep the process simple. State the problem, suggest some alternatives, and choose a solution together.
• don’t talk too much at once. Keep your statements to two or three sentences. Your partner will not be able to grasp more than that.
• Give your partner a chance to respond and to suggest options.
• Practice equality. If something is important enough to one of you, it will inevitably be important to both of you, so honor your partner's need to solve a problem.
• Ask and Answer questions directly. Again, keep it as simple as possible. Let your partner know you hear him or her.
• State your problem as a request, not a demand. To make it a positive request, use "I messages" and "please".
• don’t use power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering away are off limits.
• Know your facts: If you're going to fight for something, know the facts about the problem: Do research, find out what options are available, and know how you feel and what would solve the problem for you.
• Ask for changes in behavior, don't criticize character, ethics or morals.
• don’t fight over who's right or wrong. Opinions are opinions, and that won't solve the problem. Instead, focus on what will work.
• Ask your partner if he or she has anything to add to the discussion. "Is there anything else we need to discuss now?"
• don’t guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?"
Don't guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask. "What do you think?" Or "How do you feel about it?"
• Hold hands, look at each other, and remember you're partners.
• if you're angry, express it calmly. "I'm angry about..." There's no need for drama, and it won't get you what you want. Anger is satisfied by being acknowledged, and by creating change. Anger is a normal emotion -- rage is phony, it's drama created by not taking care of you.
• Acknowledged and honor your partner's feelings -- don't deflect them, laugh at them or freak out. They're only feelings, and they subside when respected, heard and honored.
• Listen with your whole self. Paraphrase what your partner says; check to see if you understand by repeating what is said. "So you are angry because you think I ignored you. Is that right?"
• No personal attacks or criticism. Focus on solving the problem.
• if you want to let off steam (vent), ask permission or take a time out. Handle your excess emotion or energy by being active (run, walk, hit a pillow,) writing, or talking to someone who is not part of the problem. Don't direct it personally at anyone. You can't vent and solve problems at the same time.
• don’t try to solve a problem if you're impaired: tired, hungry, drunk or unstable.
• Surrender to your responsibility. When you become aware that you have made a mistake, admit it, and apologize. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Hunting Tips

Here are our suggestions on how best to get it done for urban cougars and hunters alike. Follow these simple rules and you'll never be lonely again. Each month we'll be adding new tips to help your game.

Tips for urban cougars

• Don't be afraid to slum it
  Many upscale urban cougars won't pop into a dive and drink a dollar Pabst, but they're missing the ideal opportunity to take down prey. These places are overflowing with college students trying to make the most of their parent's money. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
• Take the lead when traveling in packs
  Most prey travel in large bands, but urban cougars that do the same often intimidate them. Urban cougars must initiate the action. Something as simple as walking up and asking them to join her and her friends for a drink should do the trick. Once the packs have joined together, nothing will separate them, save the pairing off for mad, animal sex.
• Keep it light
  During initial encounters, it's best to avoid topics like your kids (if you have them) or failed past relationships. Nothing scares off prey faster than reality.

Tips for hunters

• Get on the fundraiser circuit
  Many urban cougars are actively involved in philanthropic endeavors, like trying to stamp out world hunger or raise money for the philharmonic. Urban cougars feel particularly charitable at this time and are even more willing to take down prey they can convince themselves have an interest in saving the whales.
• Get some culture
  Don't care for art? So what. Art galleries and their ilk are swarming with eager urban cougars looking for a kill. Come up behind one and say something about the Dada movement or how you really prefer de Kooning's early work. Who cares if it makes sense? She'll pretend it does and feel extra-good about ravaging you in the janitor's closet.
• Join a gym
  urban cougars love watching young bucks pump iron while they're sweating on the treadmill. If they don't take you down in between reps, they'll be sure to at the next club social.
• Frequent hotel bars
  You never know when a hot traveling business cougar will be looking for a little release and guilt free sex with an anonymous partner. Try to keep it upscale, though. You might get lucky at Hampton Inn, but do you really want to?
• Get groceries
  Most prey don't go to the grocery store very often because they're lazy, sloppy and generally poor eaters, but if they're in to urban cougars, they'll have to change their ways. You really can pick up urban cougars in the produce section. Something about a young man expounding the virtues of a cucumber just gets them all hot and bothered.