Education
POYAMORY: A PRESCRIPTION FOR PEACE ?
It may sound pretentious to make such grandiose claims about one's romantic life. "Make love not war" was the battle cry of the 1960's but in our more "sophisticated" decade, such slogans are viewed as trite and naive. Nowadays, most people would rather devote their energies to the accumulation of wealth and/or possessions than spend two seconds contemplating solutions for the violence which plagues our planet.
It is an understandable apathy. After all, rape, murder and war seem to have been with us forever. They have been chronicled in the pages of the Bible and at times celebrated in our modern movies. Violence seems like an inevitable aspect of human existence. But not everyone agrees.
When asked about the origins of human violence, non-violent communication expert Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D responded: ". . . violence has been the social norm for about eight thousand years. That's when a myth evolved that the world was created by a heroic, virtuous male god who defeated an evil female goddess."
[Beyond Good & Evil: Marshall Rosenberg on Creating a Nonviolent World by Dian Killian in Open Exchange Magazine January-March 2007, Issue #176]
The idea that we could eliminate violence through goddess worship or at least a healthy respect for all things feminine is not a new concept. The mid '70's and early '80's were defined by a plethora of books proclaiming the "return of the goddess." Patriarchy was blamed for our violent culture and some believed that a female president could lead us to peace. As we near the next election year in 2008, we may see a resurgence of such claims in support of Hilary Clinton's bid for the presidency.
However, a female president probably won't contribute to creating a less violent world. In fact, women in power in our modern world tend to utilize the same solutions accessed by their male counterparts. And females who aspire to positions of power in our current culture are often expected to jettison any behavior which does not conform to patriarchal paradigms such as the use of force.
In the same article cited above, Rosenberg, who completed his PhD in clinical psychology at the University of Wisconsin in 1961 is quoted as claiming that clinical psychology actually contributes to the conditions that cause violence, because it categorizes people and thus distances them from each other. This is a view that I share although my credentials are far less impressive (I have only a Bachelor of Science in Psychology). But I view the field of Psychology as only one of a multitude of cultural structures which support violence.
Of course, no one sets out to create a culture of violence (unless perhaps you have stock in Halliburton). Yet violence remains the most persistent and problematic aspect of living on this planet.
In 2002, The World Report on Violence and Health (the first comprehensive report of its kind to address violence as a global public health problem) announced that violence kills more than 1.6 million people every year. “The death and disability caused by violence make it one of the leading public health issues of our time. . . . On an average day, 1,424 people are killed in acts of homicide, almost one person every minute. Roughly one person commits suicide every 40 seconds. About 35 people are killed every hour as a direct result of armed conflict."
[www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/pr73/en/]
For as long as there have been humans to record history, humans have pondered solutions to violence. Superstition, taboos, rules, codes of conduct and laws have been variously employed and enacted in an attempt to curb what is often considered one of our baser "animal" instincts.
Competition for resources is often indicted as a root cause of violence and the facts would seem to support this assertion. A popular motive for murder is money. And of course sexual jealousy is also the motivating factor for many murders. Rape is an attempt to obtain power over another person in a sexual context. The rapist views the rape victim as a resource in several repugnant respects. Wars are almost always about access to resources whether those resources are land, water rights, food, raw materials for manufacturing and fuel, or technologically advanced weapons.
If we study the other living organisms on this planet, competition for resources and the resulting violence does indeed appear to be inevitable and unavoidable. Males of the same species fight for the right to procreate - sometimes to the death. Females of a given species tend to hold little sway given their smaller size and inferior physical strength. Forced sexual interaction (we don't call it rape for some strange reason) can be commonplace in some species.
Jane Goodall went to live with the Chimpanzees hoping to escape human violence. Imagine her horror when her much loved Chimpanzees declared a four-year war on a neighboring Chimpanzee tribe. If you haven't read up on Chimpanzee violence, you might be in for a rude awakening as well. Chimpanzees suffer from both murder and war and can be quite bloodthirsty about both (literally drinking the blood of their enemies).
But I didn't write this article to discourage you so early in the new millennium. An innovative and intelligent group of individuals has already solved the most pervasive and persistent problem plaguing the human race.
Finally, an established culture has proven that we no longer need to live with rape, murder or war. These revolutionary individuals live right here on planet earth!
So why haven't you heard about this non-violent society and their amazingly effective blueprint for peace?
You may have heard about them. A few folks I have polled in my workshops and lectures have heard about this rare culture but only as a curiosity - a passing fancy. In fact this prescription for peace is source for quite a bit of snickering and laughter. Given the resulting success in eradicating violence I have to admit I find this response shocking to say the least.
Well, it's actually more frustrating than shocking. You see the solution to violence turns out to be a collection of some of our earlier musings on the topic combined with something unexpected - sex.
There are three primary reasons this recently discovered antidote to violence has so far existed in obscurity or been reduced to a joke. First, the world's taboos surrounding sex are so powerful that even if you tell people they can eradicate violence, they will reject a sexual solution. Better to stay a violent culture than to violate sexual taboos.
Second, the cure for violence DOES involve respect for the feminine. In fact, it requires a complete restructuring of our current patriarchal systems and hierarchal paradigms. Turns out that non-violence thrives in a society where women are accorded respect and authority. But we are NOT talking about a hierarchal power structure. Instead, it is defined by a series of "checks and balances" which should be a familiar concept to those of us who pride ourselves as living in democracies. What is new about this system of checks and balances is that females are included and accorded equal sway.
However, simply replacing a male leader with a female leader won't accomplish any major shifts in patterns of violence. That is simply putting a different set of gonads on the same "animal." No, real change requires a complete restructuring of our current system. Our current system is founded on the concept of "power over" while the system which has been proven non-violent, utilizes sex to calm aggressive impulses and bond community members.
And the third reason you haven't heard this path to peace championed on all the major news networks is this - the culture in question is not human. Our peaceful role models are in fact the Bonobos who share more DNA with humans than any other living creature. But they are not human and apparently humans are not as smart as they are purported to be. Rather than enthusiastically embrace solutions, humans would rather adhere to an ancient and strict set of protocols: humans do not learn from animals nor attempt to emulate them. Quite the contrary, we expend a great deal of energy trying to distinguish and distance ourselves from all the other life forms on this planet.
So the bottom line is this - the only living model for non-violence in primates is found in the Bonobo. But because the solutions involve sex and female centric culture - and the individuals who are modeling this successful behavior are not the primates known as humans - the solution may never be employed.
Of course many primatologists, such as Richard Carroll who is also the director of World Wildlife Fund's Central Africa program, find the peaceful ways of the Bonobo endearing: "Bonobos are fascinating creatures and little understood. They have the only great ape society led by females, with a sophisticated social structure that encourages cooperation and peace and settles disputes through sex. . .
"Bonobos live in matriarchal societies that reinforce cooperation, and unlike male-dominated chimpanzee troops, exhibit little aggression toward each other. The species resolves conflict through sex, a behavior not found in other primates and one that strengthens group cohesion."
[December 9, 2004 Press Release from the World Wildlife Fund http://www.commondreams.org/news2004/1209-07.htm]
Noted primatologist, Frans B. M. de Waal, highlights the crucial social organization which facilitates Bonobo non-violence: "In both Bonobos and chimpanzees, males stay in their natal group, whereas females tend to migrate during adolescence. . . A chief difference between chimpanzee and Bonobo societies is the way in which young females integrate into their new community. On arrival in another community, young Bonobo females . . . single out one or two senior resident females for special attention, using frequent GG rubbing. . ."
GG rubbing stands for Genito-Genital rubbing which is carried out thus: one female faces another female and clings with arms and legs to her partner who is standing on both hands and feet and lifts her off the ground. "The two females then rub their genital swellings laterally together, emitting grins and squeals. . . Sex thus smoothes the migrant's entrance into the community of females, which is much more close-knit in the Bonobo than in the chimpanzee."
[Bonobo Sex and Society: The Behavior of a Close Relative Challenges Assumptions about Male Supremacy in Human Evolution by Frans B. M. de Waal (http://www.primatesworld.com/bonobos.html - originally published in the March 1995 issue of Scientific American, pp. 82-88)]
While most of the people who study primates would never suggest that humans should emulate a successful adaptation, the authors of Demonic Males, anthropologists Richard Wrangham and Dale Peterson do exactly that. They believe the Bonobo provides a model of nonviolence which humans are capable of following. By organizing human societies with women in positions of power, Wrangham and Peterson believe the aggression in men can be contained. Although this may in fact be a way to keep male aggression in check, it presupposes that men are genetically predisposed toward violence. Not all scientists or scholars agree upon this premise.
Riane Eisler, author of the bestselling book, The Chalice and the Blade, believes that peace is a function of social structure - not a genetic predisposition. As a path to peace, she recommends a "partnership model," in which gender is not associated with either inferiority or superiority. According to Eisler, our current culture of violence is the by product of "the dominator model" of human society which seeks to assert gendered hierarchies with winners and losers. She also believes that placing value on women entails placing value on their biological ability to produce life which in turn leads to a non-violent approach to conflict resolution.
Referring once again to the only primate culture currently on this planet which has succeeded in creating a non-violent society, the Bonobos exhibit a constellation of behaviors which suggest that both arguments may hold some sway. At this point, it cannot be said conclusively whether female Bonobos have found a way to keep male violence in check or if the Bonobo social structure inhibits violence in both males and females with a simple substitution of sex. No doubt, the answer lies somewhere in between.
But regardless of how much of the solution is inhibition of a real or imagined propensity for violence in males and how much is sexual substitution of aggressive impulses in both genders, it seems obvious that several factors have led to the non-violent Bonobo societies, including female bonding, female authority or gender equality (which is still disputed) bisexuality, non-procreative sex, sexual substituting, sexual stress reduction, resource sharing and a more polyamorous social structure.
Bonobo society is polyamorous - not promiscuous - because sex forms deep emotional bonds for the Bonobo. Sex is the glue which holds Bonobo tribes together and facilitates friendly relations with potentially competing tribes. Bonobos also invest a great deal of energy in the pursuit and perfection of pleasure. In fact, lovemaking involves a great deal of face to face contact and deep eye gazing. If a Bonobo's sexual partner does not return the intense eye gazing or otherwise indicate sexual enjoyment, the partner who IS enjoying the sex will nevertheless stop. Bonobo's study the faces of their lovers looking intently for signs of pleasure and emotional connection. If those are lacking, sex is of little interest in most cases.
To facilitate a logical analysis of how Bonobos differ from chimpanzees and humans, I have constructed a simple chart suggesting what I consider to be the more obvious sexual substitutions for the top four forms of violence.
[Please see Table 1]
And as a final word on our friends, the Bonobos, I offer this from the The Bonobo Conservation Initiative website:
"Bonobos stand as a flagship, not only for conservation of the Congo rainforest, but also for Peace in the DRC - and globally. Bonobos exemplify how society can be successfully organized through cooperation and sharing of resources, as opposed to competition, territoriality and violence (as demonstrated by our other closest primate relatives, the male-dominated chimpanzees). Further, Bonobos show how love - and love-making - can ease tensions and keep the peace."
[http://www.bonobo.org/peace.html]
It is my sincere belief that peaceful, non-violent existence is possible for humans as well as Bonobos. And I'm not alone. Janet Kira Lessin, author of Polyamory: Many Loves - The Polytantric Lovestyle, is convinced that sexual repression leads to violence. She believes humankind will transcend violence and end war once it learns to honor individual choice regarding sex. For Lessin, polyamory represents "a positive, passionate path to peace."
As a species, we humans can take a break from feeling self-satisfied about our technological advancements and practice enough humility to learn valuable lessons from other life forms - especially a species so closely related to our own as the Bonobos. We can shelve our archaic taboos surrounding sexuality and forge into the future with a new relationship to our erotic selves. We can stop laughing and snickering long enough to dream of being more than we are now even if our road to enlightenment takes an unexpected turn.
"Until we attend to and accomplish our own sexual healing, the World; the actual physical Earth we live upon, cannot have our conscious attention. Sexual Healing is now the existential responsibility of every human who is interested in having human evolution be a part of the Earth's future."
[From Teri Ciacchi MSW in TerraFire Academy of Aphrodisiacal Living Newsletter, www.terrafire.org]
In fact, if we learn anything from our friends the Bonobos, it may be that an aversion to sex as expressed in our sex negative attitudes actually leads to violence. Why sex should be so suspect in the year 2007 is a mystery to me. Sex is why you and I are here. Sex is not a peripheral subject. Sex is not tangential to the rest of our lives. Sex is at the center of being. And it should come as no surprise that some of our most stubborn problems will find their solutions in the sexual arena.
copyright Veronica Monet 2007
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
What is SEX?
Think you know all there is to know about sex? Think again. Most people have a very limited definition of sex. The dictionary defines sex as follows:
sex (sks) n.
1.
a. The property or quality by which organisms are classified as female or male on the basis of their reproductive organs and functions.
b. Either of the two divisions, designated female and male, of this classification.
2. Females or males considered as a group.
3. The condition or character of being female or male; the physiological, functional, and psychological differences that distinguish the female and the male.
4. The sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself in behavior.
5. Sexual intercourse.
6. The genitals.
Once you get past the first three definitions of the word which refer to gender, you are left with the four basic concepts of "urge," "instinct," "intercourse" and "genitals." It's no wonder we have such a narrow definition of sex. Our culture and our language not only reflect perceptions - they shape them.
But is sex just an urge or instinct? And is sex limited to intercourse or our genitals?
First, let's address the idea that sex always involves our genitals. It doesn't. BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism) are forms of sexual behavior. Although some forms of BDSM do in fact involve the genitals of one or more participants, many forms of BDSM do not involve the genitals at all. Tantra can also utilize genital contact of one form or another, but often does not. Many forms of tantric sex take place fully clothed without any physical contact at all.
And it follows that if some forms of sex such as BDSM and Tantra do not involve our genitals, they certainly do not involve sexual intercourse either. So defining sex as sexual intercourse is completely outdated and inaccurate. Most of us know this although there seemed to be some confusion about it during Bill Clinton's presidency. In fact, since the President swore under oath that he "did not have sex with that woman," and it was later revealed that he had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, an entire generation of USA children entered puberty convinced that oral sex was not sex. And since oral sex was not sex, these pre-teens and teenagers decided they didn't need to practice safer sex during oral sex. As a result, grade schools and junior high schools experienced a marked increase in the incidence of gonorrhea of the throat.
This highlights just how powerful an effect our definitions of a given word can have on human behavior. It also affects our legal system. For instance, rape is usually defined as penile penetration of a vagina. If a foreign object is used to penetrate a vagina it is labeled sodomy as are all forms of anal penetration and oral sex. With these types of distinctions, our words shape our prejudices so that rape becomes a particular physical act rather than a category of abuse. And although a rape survivor may be convinced of her or his violation regardless of the "sex" act involved, in many instances the law will not attach the same penalties for perpetrations which involve acts labeled as sodomy or "molestation" as those imposed for penile penetration of a vagina. Also by labeling perpetrations against children "sexual molestations" instead of rape, we spare ourselves the full impact suffered by the victim.
In my own family I have encountered great resistance to calling what my father did to my sister rape. Yes, the family concedes, what Dad did was wrong, but calling it rape just seems too extreme. Sexual molestation sounds better to my family. In this particular instance, penile penetration of a vagina is suspected but not confirmed and consequently, the crime seems less severe to everyone but my sister and me.
Such is the extent to which we shape perceptions, control feelings and modify behavior with words. So what happens if we expand our definition of the word sex?
As a first step, we need to distinguish acts of violence which employ what appear to be sexual acts from sex. For at least two decades now, women's rights organizations have defined rape as violence. Research has established that the rapist does not rape for sexual gratification but rather for emotional gratification in the form of a sense of power over another person. Many rapists do not even achieve a sexual climax while perpetrating their crimes. The needs which rape satisfies for the rapist are not primarily sexual.
So, what appears to be sexual can in fact be non-sexual. Likewise, some activities which appear non-sexual are in fact forms of sex. Tantra is a wonderful example of the latter. Two people seated across from each other fully clothed and breathing while gazing into each other's eyes may not seem sexual to the casual observer. But having engaged in this form of sex I can attest to the fact that this seemingly non-sexual behavior can achieve a very sexual outcome including the sensation of being penetrated and mind-blowing fire breath orgasms.
As I have delved deeper into Tantric Sex, my definition of sex has expanded in one direction while narrowing in another. Much of what passes for sex in our current culture is in fact forms of violence parading as sex. You might ask yourself if the "sexual" images popular media assaults you with on a daily basis actually cause you to become sexually aroused. If you stop to notice your physical and emotional response, you might be surprised to find that you are in fact feeling more competitive and insecure than turned on.
Of course the two can and often do become conflated. I use to feel sexually aroused by rape fantasies. Just for the record, as a sex educator and sexologist, I believe all sexual fantasies can be a healthy expression as long as the person having the fantasy is comfortable with it. In my case, I was not comfortable with my rape fantasies as they became increasingly violent and I found this emotionally disturbing. It still led to great orgasms. But afterward, I felt unhappy and sad.
In time, I came to understand my own need to control the fantasized violence and thereby achieve a sense of power over my fear of being hurt and humiliated. Eventually, I moved away from rape fantasies which left me feeling empty inside and toward life affirming and empowering fantasies which infused me with joy and a sense of freedom.
And what of the dictionaries' assertion that sex is an "urge" or "instinct?" There is some truth to this. After all, if we didn't have the urge or instinct to have sex we might fail to procreate. Scientists have established procreation as the most primal of all our drives. But if we reduce sex to "just" an urge or instinct, we miss the complexity and beauty which is sex. So sex is an urge and instinct AND it is a doorway to connection, intimacy and spirituality. Sex can even lead to spiritual transcendence.
This is not new knowledge. Ancient civilizations knew this to be true. Sacred sex and sacred prostitution predate the Bible. Unfortunately, we have looked at sex as nothing more than a physical act for so long; it feels unfamiliar and strange to think of sex as spiritual.
Our narrow definition of sex doesn't help matters. If however, we think of sex as energy rather than a specific menu of physical activities, then sex takes on an entirely different dimension. We already know sex is a powerful energy which can create life and bond people. Now imagine sex as the amazing energy behind every creative and inspired activity in the universe. In fact, imagine sex is why there is a universe. After all, don't you think the "big bang theory" sounds a bit sexual? Certainly the idea of certain elements and energies coming together in a big explosion which spawns entire galaxies and life itself sounds sexual to me.
But lest you find this too ethereal, let's come back to earth. Tantra teaches us about Kundalini energy. This is sexual energy which resides at the base of our spine. It can be awakened with some very interesting outcomes. For instance there is a phenomenon called kriyas, which is a spontaneous involuntary muscle contraction or spasm (not be confused with the practice of cleansing kriyas).
In his book, Words From the Soul: Time, East/West Spirituality and Psychotherapeutic Narrative (New York: SUNY Press, 1998), Stuart Sovatsky makes a connection between Kundalini or pranic awakening and what he calls its cross-tradition similars: spontaneous spinal rockings known in Judaism as davening and in Sufisim as zikr; the "taken-over" gyrations of gospel "holy ghost" shaking and dancing and charismatic/Pentecostal "manifestations"; the Dionysian "revel"; Quakerism's and Shakerism's autonomic quaking and shaking; Tai Chi guided by chi itself; the shamanic trance-dance; Buddhism's and Raja Yoga's effortless "straight back" (uju-kaya) meditation; the yogically derived ecstatic belly-dance and Flamenco; and the full-bodied, spontaneous Reichian "reflex."
This perspective affords a more inclusive approach to spiritual enlightenment as we realize what these disparate traditions have in common. Given the often negative and shaming approach to sex of several of these religious traditions, I find it humorous that they all share the awakening of the sexual Kundalini energy as a benchmark for spiritual attainment.
We have been misled to believe that certain forms of violence are sex. The fact is that violence is violence - not sex. No matter how you perpetrate violence, it is violence. This applies to sexual harassment, date rape and stranger rape. But it also applies to sexual imagery which is designed to make you feel insecure and less than.
I am not indicting graphic sexual images with that statement. I happen to produce and sell DVD's which are considered pornographic. But if you view my porn, you won't feel assaulted. It isn't easy to feel assaulted when you are viewing people who love each other expressing that love in whatever way they choose. I am not speaking of specific sexual acts. Some of my porn contains BDSM. I am referring to the energy behind our actions.
A lot of the sexually graphic images available to the public are laden with anger and violence. Again, images of BDSM are not inherently violent. Some BDSM is more loving than a typical beer commercial. But in order to make that distinction, we need to be more educated to issues of consent and more aware of the energy involved.
We have also been told that sex is something which binds us to the body and separates us from spirit. Not surprisingly, this is diametrically opposed to the truth. As long as you maintain a separation of sex and spirit, you will find spirituality an elusive goal. Sex is the doorway to spirit. Not mindless friction of genitals – but sex which is fully conscious and connected to self and creation. Spiritual awakening requires that we comprehend the unity of all. Sexual energy is what unites all that is.
Veronica Monet is a unique sex educator and relationship coach combining over 14 years of "hands-on" experience as a courtesan with many years of formal education. As a Certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Founding Member of the Association of Sexual Energy Professionals (ASEP) and a Trained Volunteer for the Center Against Rape and Domestic Violence (CARDV) she specializes in sexuality, anger management, non-violent communication and relationship dynamics. Ms. Monet's numerous media credits include ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX and The New York Times. Her subject matter marries the body and the soul on many levels - reuniting sex and spirit in down-to–earth terms and providing compassion, intuition, integrity and safety. Veronica Monet is the author of Sex Secrets of Escorts - Tips from a Pro (Alpha Books 2005). You are welcome to contact her at veronica@veronicamonet.com or 888.903.0050 and be sure to visit her websites: www.veronicamonet.com www.flossophy.net www.sexwithoutshame.com
copyright Veronica Monet 2007
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
Can Men Have Multiple Orgasms?
Ever wonder why men have nipples? They certainly aren't there to nurse any babies. But since all life begins basically female, the basic structure of the female body exists, even though it has been hormonally modified to be male. Consequently, the sexual wiring is the same. If you stimulate a man's nipples, his penis will dance for you. The male body is capable of all the intense and varied sexual feelings we usually attribute to females. Some men have discovered they can achieve multiple orgasms and have consequently learned that orgasms and ejaculations are NOT synonymous. And most gay males can attest to the power and eloquence of the male G-spot. Yet our culture seems to prohibit the expression of male sexual pleasure despite all its protestations to the contrary. Our popular image of the male is that he only wants to experience physical pleasure and his pursuit of sex is bent on self-gratification. But my experience as an escort for 13 years has taught me otherwise. By focusing most or all sexual response in the penis, the male is denied a world of sexual gratification and physical pleasure that he can only imagine when he hears women describe it. We now have shows that offer straight men the fashion insight of gay men. Straight men can benefit immeasurably from the sensually rich perspective of the gay male in more ways than clothes and color. Because straight men waste so much energy trying to affirm their heterosexuality, they eschew the very pleasures they claim to be in pursuit of. Afraid to experience pleasure via their nipples because it may make them too much "like a girl", afraid to experience pleasure via their asshole because it may mean "they are gay", afraid to let an internal-allover- body-orgasm rip through them with overwhelming force and emotion lest they "lose control", the heterosexual male's sexual world is often reduced to a barren landscape of "sexual conquest" and "performance." But this does not have to be. It is time for ALL men to claim their share of sexual pleasure, joy and fulfillment.
FIVE THINGS MEN CAN DO TO ENJOY SEX MORE (AND MORE SEX):
1. Learn to control your PC (pubococcygeus) muscles. These are the same muscles you use to begin and end urination. If you have ever moved your penis without touching it, you were using your PC muscles! The PC muscles can be exercised by contracting and releasing them. You will find it most effective to rhythmically contract while inhaling and relax while exhaling. If you know how to control your PC muscles, you can learn to become multiply orgasmic.
2. Learn to control ejaculation. Men can use the PC muscles to prevent ejaculation. You can accomplish this by holding your breath while either strongly bearing down ("pushing out") or tightly squeezing ("holding in") using your pelvic muscles. Not only does control of ejaculation make it easier for you to please a sexual partner because you will "last longer," it increases your potential for sexual pleasure because the "longer you last," the more intense your orgasm can be.
3. Get a butt plug or a willing partner to stimulate your male G-spot or prostrate gland. This will require only about an inch of penetration but you certainly can go deeper if you feel like it. Two muscle rings called sphincters surround the anal opening. Each functions independently. There is less than a quarter-inch between them. The external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system and you can readily tense and relax this muscle whenever you want to. The internal sphincter is controlled by the involuntary or autonomic nervous system, which governs such functions as heartbeat and response to fear and anxiety. It can cause the anus to tense up automatically even if you are trying to relax, so it is important to have a relaxed state of mind. Rectal penetration ALWAYS requires lubricant. Water-based lubricants should be avoided as the rectum will quickly absorb the water. Oil based lubricants are best as they last longer. However, they CANNOT be used with latex condoms (consider the polyurethane condoms for anal sex). It is possible for some men to have ejaculatory orgasms through prostate stimulation alone. But even if this isn't you, anal play can add a lot of pleasurable sensation to foreplay and the orgasm itself. Many men find they enjoy deeper, more internal orgasms when their prostrate gland is stimulated before and/or during orgasm.
4. Learn to think of orgasm and ejaculation as two distinct physical processes. The largest sexual limitation most men suffer from is all in their mind. They believe that sex is about an erect penis and when that erect penis becomes flaccid, sex is over. They also think orgasms are tied to the act of ejaculation. This is simply NOT true. Men can have orgasms without ejaculating. In fact, male orgasm is possible while the penis is flaccid. With an open mind and practice, you can learn to forgo ejaculation in favor of multiple whole body orgasms.
5. Begin to see your entire body as a sexual organ, not just your penis. For many if not most men, the penis is where sex begins and ends. But that is not the truth about male physiology. The male body has many erogenous zones including the nipples, the nape of the neck, the insides of the thighs, the buttocks, the scrotum, the testicles, the anus, the perineum . . . If you are willing to open yourself to more pleasure, you will find that every part of your body can elicit sexual enjoyment!
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
Freedom From Sexual Shame
When we do something which violates our sense of right and wrong, we feel guilty. This important emotion can guide us to do better in the future. But shame eclipses guilt. Shame is the feeling of being unworthy. Rather than motivate us to improve our behavior, shame demoralizes us with low self-esteem and a sense that we are wrong for being. Similarly, we experience sexual shame when we feel that sex is inherently wrong or sinful. Rather than feel guilty when we violate our standards for a healthy sex life, sexual shame causes us to feel evil simply for being sexual at all.
How do you know if you suffer from shame of any kind let alone the sexual variety? What can you do to eliminate sexual shame from your life?
If you are not sure how to differentiate guilt from shame, you are not alone. Many people confuse the two concepts. Just remember that guilt is about what you do while shame is about who you are. If you feel guilty when you do a particular sexual behavior but you feel great when you do something else sexually, you are no doubt simply experiencing the boundaries of your conscience. If however, you feel ashamed of all the sexual feelings you have and/or all the sexual behavior you engage in, then you no doubt suffer from sexual shame.
Notice I am not recommending that you feel less shameful. Instead I am suggesting that you eliminate shame from your life. This is because shame serves no positive purpose in your life. While guilt has a positive role in helping us to live according to our conscience, shame only destroys us. Shame destroys self-esteem. You need a healthy self-esteem in order to function successfully in life and in your relationships.
A large part of eliminating shame from your life is accomplished through the process of re-education. You can simply teach yourself to think differently. This is accomplished by saying "no" to the internal dialog which showers you with shameful messages and by replacing those destructive thoughts with constructive affirmations about who you are and what you want in your life.
For example, if you find yourself thinking that you are "a dirty and depraved pervert," you can say "no" to those thoughts and replace them with words such as these: "I am a precious person with a normal and healthy desire for sexual relationship." One of the side benefits to improving the way we think about ourselves is that if our behavior has been less than optimum, affirming our best can often improve our behavior as well as our self concept. Positive affirmations can work on several levels, improving our selfesteem and our behavior simultaneously. I recommend that you practice your positive affirmations by writing them down on paper and then referring to this written list whenever you are feeling burdened by shame.
You can also eliminate sexual shame by educating yourself to the history of sex. Our current moral standards have not always been ascribed to and a quick study of our sexual past can be quite liberating. Once you realize that certain sexual behaviors were considered normal and healthy at one time, you can be easier on yourself if you have desires in that direction. You may still choose not to act out those desires for a variety of reasons. You may not wish to risk being ostracized by the people you know or perhaps what you desire is currently illegal (such as prostitution) or simply unhealthy (such as sex without a condom). But nonetheless, seeing your sexual desires in historical context can change your perception of yourself by reducing your embarrassment and eliminating your feelings of shame.
Additionally, a study of the history of human sex will reveal that sex has not always been considered something separate from our spiritual identities. Sex was once a celebration of life and a form of religious worship. Sex was imbued with healing properties and used to bring people closer to the divine. In these modern times, beliefs and practices such as these are considered primitive but considering the hateful connection we currently have between sex and violence, I would argue our current concepts are the primitive ones.
Sharing your shame with like minded people can also release it. All healing is facilitated by speaking about it to a safe person and sexual shame is no different. Meeting other people who share the same secrets is liberating and a good way to bust shame. I recommend you locate sex positive communities via the internet. When you find a meeting or class that resonates with you, treat yourself to time with similar souls and experience the freedom that can only come from mutual laughter.
Of course if you are too shy to explore this option just now, you can always hire someone to listen to you. Just be sure to shop around until you are sure you have found a therapist or a sex educator who is properly credentialed and most importantly does not suffer from sexual shame themselves. Many professionals do suffer from sexual shame so don't assume they don't. Shop smart. But remember that talking about shame helps to release it so be sure to find a safe and appropriate way to talk about your shame. As you explore the history of sex, sex positive community and your feelings about sex, you will also discover your own values or moral compass. It is important to honor this even as it changes. No matter what your personal standards at any given time, it is important that you stick to those standards until you are sure you have become completely comfortable with a change in those standards. Your objective is not to be rigid in what you believe but to act according to your beliefs.
To accomplish this you will need to know how to assert healthy boundaries. Think of boundaries as where you end and other people begin. It is the line that separates you from others and it is your job to maintain that boundary so that you are protected. Whenever you abandon your personal standards due to peer pressure or coercion, you end up feeling violated and this erodes your self-esteem. It can also reactivate feelings of shame. So take care of yourself by saying "yes" when you mean "yes" and "no" when you mean "no."
You will find it helpful to learn to distinguish your intuition or inner voice from your shame and guilt. This is not easy but it is perfectly possible. We have already discussed the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about you while guilt is about what you do. Your intuition or inner voice is an important source of information about your true feelings at any given moment and in response to any given situation. Since it transcends logic, you will at times have to step out of the logical thought process in order to access it. I find it helpful to clear my mind of all thoughts, take a deep breath and relax into my feelings. It is when my mind is quiet that I can hear my intuition speak to me. You want to spend more time listening to your intuition and less time being ruled by guilt and shame.
Another way to eliminate sexual shame from your life is to practice abstinence. For people who find themselves engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, a time out from all sexual activity can assist you in getting in touch with the negative feelings which are driving you to act out. Obviously a healthy empowered approach to sex does not allow for addictive or compulsive behavior so if you think you have a problem be sure to get help. There are even 12 step meetings for people who are sex addicts.
Just be careful not to confuse your feelings of shame with a true sexual addiction. Many people just assume they are behaving compulsively in relation to sex because any and all sexual behavior makes them feel bad about themselves. That is how sexual shame works. Even if you don't suffer from sexual addiction, a temporary abstinence can help to clear your head and allow you to get in touch with your feelings. If you have trouble asserting sexual boundaries, this can also be a good way to practice. I truly believe that you must know how to say "no" to really be able to say "yes."
Once you are rid of sexual shame you are free to enjoy sexual empowerment! Remember to remain sensitive to your ever changing/fluctuating moods and needs and desires and feelings. What works one day may not work another day. Accept yourself and live in the moment. This way your sex life can be an adventure free from expectations, judgments and shame.
And finally you need to know about sex before you will be able to do it without worry. Be sure to educate yourself to sexual health as well as sexual techniques. You might consider reading a few books about sex (my book is Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts - Tips from a Pro, Alpha Books 2005) or taking a few workshops about sex (check online for your area).
Whatever you do, give yourself permission to approach sex with a sense of humor! Laughter is a wonderful way to chase away those feelings of shame.
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
How Our Fear of Sex is Destroying the Planet
And you thought global warming was the problem? Well, it is one of many major crises facing us today. You can add to that what seems to be a very human inability to avoid war and don't forget the AIDS epidemic. Plus human history is littered with rape and murder. Violence seems almost a genetic predisposition which we can't control. This year, the United States surpassed all the other nations of the world in the percentage of its citizens who are currently incarcerated. One in one hundred people now live in prison in the US and prisons are fast becoming a major industry for our country.
War, famine, violence, AIDS, the population explosion and global warming - nations and individuals are struggling to find solutions to the most pressing issues of our time. But are we looking in the right direction? The short answer is "NO." Because of cultural training and persistent taboos, the key to our survival eludes us.
First we must ask "What IS Sex?" Most people think that is a stupid question. Sex is when you put a penis in a vagina? But gay people have sex and they don't do it that way. Is oral sex - sex? And how about the many people who prefer BDSM? How does Tantra fit into the sexual arena?
These questions can get us started in exploring the role sex plays in our life but they still fall short of the broader perspective. Most conversation regarding sex relegates it to a pleasant but potentially troublesome aspect of life - it is not accorded a central role in the really important issues which face the planet today. But how much sense does that make? After all, isn't sex the ONLY reason you are reading this right now? After all, if two people had not had sex - you would never have been born. Sex must be a central part of life. What about food, you ask? Well there would not be any food either, if it were not for sex. Pollinating flowers leads to fruit and vegetables. Flowers are sex organs. Pollination is sex.
So what you may ask? Well, if sex is central to the existence of EVERY living thing on the planet, why don't we spend more time learning about it? Why do we spend so much time trying NOT to talk about it? Why are we SO embarrassed and afraid of the topic? And why do we assume it is just a part of life - instead of the very center of life? Some people use sex to grow spiritually. Did you know that? Tantra takes sex to a spiritual level. Meditation uses sexual (kundalini) energy. Just learning to breath consciously can produce firebreath orgasms. Maybe we don't know as much about sex as we thought?
In fact, our fear of sex is at the root of many if not most of our problems as a species, as a nation, as families and as individuals. In a nutshell, it comes down to this - as long as we can't talk about sex as pleasure and spiritual connection, as long as we are afraid of sex, it will continue to be our biggest problem. And out of that avoidance and fear grow all kinds of global repercussions, such as a population which has doubled since the year I was born (1960), an AIDS epidemic, food shortages, the daily burning of the Amazon forest, dwindling resources, increasing societal violence and never-ending wars.
Here are three primary reasons that sex and the destruction of the planet are linked:
1.) Over-Population and AIDS (sex does not have to be procreative or dangerous) 2.) Competition for Resources (sex-positive cultures tend to share resources) 3.) Consumerism (tends to be a substitution for sexual/spiritual fulfillment)
Fear is the problem. Fear of sex is the core issue. The solution is an honest and courageous re-evaluation of what actually works. It is time for humans to use their big brains and create the kind of life we really want - a life designed for sustainability and peaceful community. That can only happen if we are willing to abandon the superstitions which hold us prisoner to ways of coping which create more suffering than solutions. For instance, our fear of sex leads us to instruct people about condoms in a manner which discourages their use. Dry, clinical descriptions of applying a condom remove the erotic component which is central to sexual desire. Most educational outreach attempts to motivate people through fear, but pleasure is a much more persuasive motivator. The most effective way to encourage the use of latex barriers is to teach pleasure. Latex barriers such as condoms can be very erotic and if more people knew this they would be more likely to use them.
But being safe sexually can be so much more than knowing how to use a condom. There are all kinds of sexual practices which do not risk pregnancy or disease and which create profound intimacy and spiritual fulfillment. These sexual practices often scare people who think sex is about procreation or marital duty. Conversely, some people are afraid that talking about sex will remove the romance. Either stance is full of fear and does nothing to evolve human sexuality and promote well-being. We need to discuss sex without fear and shame, so we can motivate people to pursue the pleasures of safer, nonprocreative, mind-expanding sex.
AIDS is a huge health crisis largely connected to sexual behavior. And here again, our efforts to curb this disease are foiled by our fear of sex. Unable or unwilling to explore pleasure and passion with those we would educate about the dangers of sex, we leave entire populations with only one model for survival: the reduction of pleasure. But how much more effective would we be in our quest to stop the spread of HIV if we could break free from our fear of sex and pleasure? Can you imagine the joy and sense of freedom which would infuse the entire topic of safer sexual practices? Teaching ways to achieve more sexual fulfillment and orgasmic bliss actually incorporate incredibly safe sexual techniques. The world needs to know this.
The Whore/Madonna Complex is still alive and well even in supposedly sophisticated and advanced cultures. Women are penalized for being "too" sexual or "too" powerful in a variety of ways but the biggest cost to society is the loss in the productivity and potential of all women. In matrifocal cultures such as that of the bonobo (an ape closely related to humans and chimpanzees) and the Mosuo (a Chinese ethnic minority group who live high in the Himalayas), the wisdom and authority of older females is honored and respected. These cultures are non-violent as a result of this reverence for female power and the lack of stigma and taboo surrounding sex. Interestingly, these two tend to travel together: female power and sexual freedom. And conversely, sex-positive cultures tend toward a constellation of attributes which include non-violent approaches to living in community, respect for female wisdom/authority and a sharing of resources.
The world's problems are daunting but if we begin with the solitary truths about our individual lives, we can make changes which will create a positive impact locally and globally. Our fear of sex dramatically reduces our ability to be productive individuals. In fact fear of sex lies at the root of sexual dysfunction, sexual addiction and sexual abuse. Fear of sex drives us toward materialism and away from intimacy and spiritual connection. Our sexuality lives at our core. We can no longer afford to avoid the topic or treat it like a peripheral part of our lives.
A healthy connection to our sexuality creates peace of mind, a gentler disposition, unlimited creativity and personal empowerment. Integration of the individual leads naturally into the evolution of human society away from our historical failings and toward a future bright with possibilities!
Veronica Monet, ACS, author of Sex Secrets of Escorts - Tips from a Pro (Alpha Books 2005) and a Certified Sexologist invites you to Get Off the Hamster Wheel! Ever feel like your love life is a re-run? Tired of seeing the same relationship dynamics over and over again? Veronica specializes in helping you see your patterns and implement techniques for genuine change so you can create the love, sex and intimacy you crave!
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
Where Sex and Spirit Comes Together
You might have heard the words "sacred sex" and wondered what that refers to. Or perhaps you were placing an online order for a "marital aid" and you kept reading about something called "tantra." Maybe you have heard the rumors about 3 hour orgasms and extended lovemaking which sounds like it should have its own category at the Olympics. You might have even stumbled across book titles such as Women of the Light: The New Sacred Prostitute (an anthology edited by Kenneth Ray Stubbs) or Nancy Qualls-Corbett's Sacred Prostitute: Eternal Aspect of the Feminine and wondered "could there be such a thing as sacred prostitution or sacred sex?"
Would you like to know what all the fuss is about? Allow me to shed some light on the subject. First, I recommend expanding your definition of sex. Most of us have been told there are definite and rather rigid boundaries between what is considered sex and what it is not sex.
Those definitions are not shared by everyone and they tend to fluctuate over time as evidenced by former President Clinton's attempts to re-define his romantic association with Monica Lewinsky with his now infamous quote "I did NOT have sex with that woman." Since the sex play they engaged in did not include sexual intercourse, Bill Clinton may not have actually considered what they did (oral sex) to be "actual sex." Or he may have just been lying.
Either way, his public stance on the topic created an unexpected ripple effect. The grade-schoolers of the day came to believe that oral sex was not sex and once they reached junior high school, they proceeded to engage in unprotected cunnilingus and fellatio resulting in an epidemic of gonorrhea of the throat. The increase in sexually transmitted infections (STI's) was not only due to the fact that these children were failing to use condoms but it also pointed to their casual approach to oral sex. They simply did not consider it sex so they tended to engage in the behavior as if it was a handshake.
This is just one example of the power of words and how we define them. While I recognize the importance of definitions which assist us in determining what constitutes sexual abuse or what carries the risk of pregnancy or disease, I am also aware of the limitations created by narrow definitions of sex.
By driving a wedge between our spiritual and sexual selves, many of us suffer from the sensation of being disconnected from our sexuality. We assume that we must choose between being spiritual and being "carnal." People of faith in particular often suffer from profound sexual shame. But even if you have not been inculcated with the "sex is sin" dogma, you probably live with at least a modicum of sexual shame. It is difficult to avoid given our culture's insistence on pairing "sex and violence" and "sex and scandal."
Considering that sex is the source of everything we love, it is sad to see it get such a bad rap. If there were no sex, there would be no people - and no animals, no plants, no flowers and therefore no food. Spring is all about sex and flowers are beautiful sex organs. Even the origin of the universe which is postulated as the "Big Bang" sounds suspiciously like an orgasm with ejaculation. And if everything has its origins in sex, how can sex be anything but central to our existence? But again, to take this ride, you have to expand your notion of sex. It isn't just penis/vagina sex. Sex does not even require genitals. Sex is about energy and sexual energy can be aroused and released in a variety of ways.
Some people prefer genital sex while others enjoy breathing their way to sexual fulfillment through meditation practices such as Tantra. Still others find their bliss in BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism). While it can be tempting to judge the sexual orientations and preferences of others when they don't match our own, as a sexologist I can tell you that all this sexual diversity is a beautiful thing. As long as it is consensual behavior between adults, the opportunity exists to create profound connection and immense pleasure via a multitude of practices. Some sexual practices are used specifically to achieve spiritual connection and enlightenment. To our Western ears, this sounds dangerously sacrilegious or silly at best. But our sexual energy IS spiritual. Kundalini energy lies at our root chakra and that energy IS sexual. This energy can produce mindblowing orgasms which can be achieved without a partner and without touching your genitals. This energy is also what fuels our creativity. And kundalini creates the doorway to spiritual enlightenment. Many religions tap into this powerful sexual energy when they become "filled with the Holy Spirit" or engage in other ecstatic spiritual experiences such as "speaking in tongues." Only the phobias and taboos surrounding the word "sex" blind the faithful to the sexual energy which is an inherent and ever-present component of spirituality.
So what can you do to experience more spirituality in your sex - or more sex in your spirituality? First and foremost you have to let go of your cultural programming. A first step toward this end is education. Read all you can about the history of sex and you will find yourself feeling less and less sexual shame. There really is nothing new under the sun and your grandparents may have been experimenting with sex you thought was only invented for your generation. The "don't ask - don't tell" mentality of the military is actually the default setting for most families and communities. Everyone is a sexual being but we are admonished not to talk about it. Often this translates to "don't think about it" either. So give yourself permission to think about it and then find safe people to talk to.
Talking about your desires and fears helps you come out of your sense of isolation and feeling "terminally unique." It puts your sexuality and your spirituality in context and can create a sense of community. Online chat rooms can be a place to start discussing sex with others. Just be sure you select an online community which reflects your overall comfort level and objectives. Some chat rooms are really about online masturbation and if that is not what you are seeking you might want to seek a more cerebral crowd.
Another great place to explore your sexuality and spirituality is in a workshop. You can search online or in alternative magazines and newspapers. Many wonderful workshops about sex and spirit are available at locations which serve as ideal vacation destinations too. For instance, several organizations offer tantra workshops as part of dream vacations to Maui, Sedona, etc. You can also find workshops about sex and spirit at retreats such as Harbin or unique social organizations such as OneTaste. If you have any difficulty locating these resources, feel free to drop me an email and I will be happy to share an appropriate link with you.
And of course, you can always seek the advice and guidance of a professional. For instance sex educators and sexologists such as me can assist you in overcoming blocks to your sexual/spiritual birthright. Just remember that sex is not just a healthy part of your life. Sex is your core - emotionally, spiritually and creatively. When you are connected to your sexuality in a life affirming and positive fashion, every other aspect of your life will sing!
Veronica Monet is a Certified Sexologist and Sex Educator. She can help you change the channel on your love life! Whether you want out of a failing marriage or to enjoy more meaningful sex with your mate, Veronica knows what is required to achieve measurable change in your life. Her extensive media credits include CNN, A&E, ABC's 20/20, FOX News, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect and The New York Times. Veronica offers workshops and lectures as well as professional advice on sex, romance, relationships and love. Her book, Sex Secrets of Escorts - Tips from a Pro (Alpha Books 2005), is available in most major bookstores as well as online. Tune into Veronica's new radio program, The Shame Free Zone, to ask anonymous questions about sex and dating for free: www.bbsradio.com/theshamefreezone. To find out what Veronica can do for you, visit her website: www.sexwithoutshame.com or call toll free at 888.903.0050.
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
Sex for Mommies
It's not unusual to have a low libido after the arrival of your baby. The added stress of caring for your new family member, the resultant lack of sleep, postpartum hormonal changes, as well as possible episiotomy and Caesarean section stitches certainly won't make most women feel entirely sexy. On the other hand, the blood brought to the lower pelvic floor during pregnancy and childbirth can increase sexual desire in some women. First you want to check with your doctor and make sure he/she says your pelvic area has healed enough for sexual activity and then you want to honor your own unique recovery rate. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable so don't do anything that is unpleasant and don't rush yourself.
Couples are usually admonished to wait to have sex after the mother's six-week checkup when presumably your doctor will give you the go-ahead. In reality most couples wait until 7 or 8 weeks after the birth of the baby to have sex.
Lochia, or postpartum bleeding and discharge, can last for up to six weeks but averages about 21 days. Breastfeeding your baby at least for the first month is highly recommended for several reasons. It is nature's way of forming a bond between you and your baby, it helps your uterus to return to normal and it reduces the number of days you will bleed.
Conception is unlikely but completely possible if you are breastfeeding so if you want to make sure you don't get pregnant it is best to use contraception. While you are breastfeeding you should use progestin-only birth control pills or shots of progesterone as combined oral contraceptives are contraindicated (they can reduce the volume and makeup of breast milk). An IUD cannot be inserted until the uterus has completely healed. If you were using a diaphragm before your pregnancy you will need to wait about six weeks and then check to see if you need a new size fitted. To be especially cautious about keeping your breast milk pristine for your new baby, you may wish to use condoms instead. Both the female condom and standard condoms offer protection from pregnancy as well as protection from sexually transmitted infections.
Reduced estrogen levels after the delivery of your baby can cause less vaginal lubrication. Prolactin and oxytocin, which are produced by your body when you nurse your baby, can also interfere with lubrication. Vaginal dryness can last up to six months and it's helpful to know that this is normal and no indication of a lagging sex drive. Simply use a personal lubricant for sex during this dry phase.
Vaginal childbirth can reduce the tone of your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles and this in turn can make your orgasms feel less intense. To remedy this situation, be sure to do PC exercises which will help restore muscular tone to the vagina. These are also called Kegel exercises and you can do them anytime and anywhere. Simply contract and relax the same muscles you use to stop and start a flow of urine. Just squeeze, hold, relax and repeat! You might want to do 50 to 100 repetitions of your Kegel exercises daily. Orgasmic contractions during sex also help the uterus to return to its normal state so sex has health benefits to a new mother as long as she waits until she is properly healed. Even after your doctor tells you that you may resume your normal sexual activity, you should be prepared for some temporary changes. You may still feel tender or tight or looser than usual. As mentioned before, your orgasms may not be as intense as before until your PC muscles are toned once again, so be sure to do your PC exercises! And it's not unusual for breast milk to leak or even spray at the moment of orgasm, especially if your breasts are full. This can be erotic for some couples. But if you are the fastidious type you might want to keep a towel handy!
Giving birth is a powerful and life changing event. The impact of having a baby as well as the hormonal cocktail that accompanies pregnancy and the first year after pregnancy cannot be overestimated. Emotions are aroused on a multitude of levels and it is easy to loose perspective. While the mother's body is undergoing all the drastic changes associated with pregnancy, birth and nursing it can arouse a certain amount of fear or uncertainty in both the mother and her partner.
The mother may worry that her body is not as sexually attractive as it once was whether this is true or not. Her partner may worry that they are never going to have sex again. Ideally a couple should redirect their focus from penetration (whether with a penis or a dildo) and enlarge their sexual repertoire to include more kissing, cuddling, fondling, mutual masturbation and oral sex (just be careful NEVER to blow air into a pregnant woman's vagina as this will endanger the baby).
Another psychological complication that many couples experience due to childbirth involves old-fashioned concepts about sex and motherhood. Some men find they are less attracted to the mother of their children simply because she is the mother of their children. Their desire to protect her becomes perverted into a feeling that sex would somehow degrade her. Similarly some women feel that to be a good mother, they must adopt an almost asexual identity and so abandon sexual activity in favor of full time motherhood.
Of course both are extremes which have no place in a healthy balanced life. Motherhood is only possible because of sex and it is important to resume a healthy sex life after having a baby. However, you may find it advisable to take your time returning to your familiar sexual habits.
This is a time to experience more intimacy in the form of emotional bonding and affectionate touching. If a couple is careful not to rush or pressure each other to perform in a certain way sexually, in time they should both find their natural sexual desire for each other returning. Then the only challenge will be finding the right time and place to have sex while juggling child care, jobs and household tasks!
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com
Keeping Love Alive
Most couples experience frustration and even loneliness at some point in their relationship. Minor irritations have a way of building into insurmountable blocks to intimacy over time. Unfortunately, we don't learn how to do a relationship in school. We are expected to simply know how to sustain love over the years and that just isn't how things work in the real world. Instead, over half of all marriages end in divorce and those who remain married are not always shining examples of marital bliss.
But it is never too late to start learning the incredibly simple steps which can produce the kind of friendship and passion you envisioned when you first said "I do." The secret to long-term happiness in the context of any relationship, whether married or not, lies in three crucial factors:
1. An ability to be Honest with yourself 2. The Courage to claim the happiness you deserve 3. Faith that life is meant to be a win/win proposition
The fact is that we live in a culture which thrives on negativity. Most of our so-called "reality" TV models verbal violence as an ordinary and almost necessary tool for survival - literally if the contestants happen to be on a "survival" show. Our music pounds away at us with lyrics which skewer the competition or past lovers with words meant to humiliate and conquer. School age children have begun to bully their classmates on the internet with entire websites devoted to dismantling their intended victim's self-esteem and social standing.
So it should come as no surprise when you find yourself saying hurtful things to your partner in the heat of an argument or disagreement. You have been in training for this communication style for years just by virtue of being exposed to the culture. And you will have to devote more than a few minutes in order to learn a more successful communication style. But the good news is that there are very specific steps you can take to start enjoying the love you always wanted. And if you do your homework you can and will see immediate results!
I teach a communication style specifically developed for couples in crisis which works equally well for small disagreements and major conflicts. You don't have to delve into your childhoods - although that can be very helpful too. And you don't have to spend years in therapy or couple's counseling attempting to improve your relationship dynamics. Instead, you can follow a formula which will lead to success very quickly - IF you follow that formula. And there is the rub. The steps are so simple many couples think they can skip them and when they do, they are back where they started: frustrated and lonely. But once they get back on track with the simple steps I teach, they once again experience relief, peace of mind, connection with their partner and ultimately compassion - which is the safety we are all looking for in an intimate relationship.
The good news is that you do not have to settle. There is no reason your romantic life can't be everything you hoped for. The way to success requires courage and a little work, but the payoff is enormous. When I first experienced it, it brought tears of joy to my eyes. I couldn't believe my husband was finally hearing my feelings and giving me the validation and love I had craved all my life. I would like to help you make that same level of joy a reality in your life.
Veronica Monet, ACS offers appointments at her Nevada City office and over the telephone. 888.903.0050 or 415.294.5069.
Articles Provided by: Veronica Monet, ACS (Certified Sexologist and >Confict Resolution Specialist)
Website: http://www.sexwithoutshame.com
Phone Number & Email: 888.903.0050 veronica@sexwithoutshame.com