Newbies

Definitions

What is the Lifestyle?

Swinging is a form of recreational social sex between consenting adults, most commonly consisting of male/female couples meeting other male/female couples for sex and/or ongoing intimate friendships. Contrary to popular belief, couples that are involved in the swinging lifestyle are usually in it more for the friendship with other couples rather than the sex involved. Hence, the expression used in the lifestyle: "friends with benefits".

Swinging (otherwise known as "the lifestyle") can take a variety of different forms. Although single women are generally welcome at swinging events, the degree to which single men are accepted is very limited if at all. Although female bisexuality is generally accepted in the swinging community, the degree to which male bisexuality is accepted also very limited. Swing clubs can be "on-premises" (which means that one may interact sexually with others at that event) or "off-premises" (which means that one would generally go back to the home or hotel room of other couples for sex, after deciding to do so at the event).

Newspapers and magazines, which carry personal ads for swingers, also exist, and to a slightly lesser degree these publications may also be considered an aspect of "the lifestyle." Swingers have traditionally been largely middle to upper class and tend to blend in quite easily with the general population in terms of appearance and ideology.

What Might I Like About the Lifestyle?

People may be attracted to the swinging community for a variety of different reasons. Many couples find the thought of having sex with other people to be very arousing, and may find that swinging becomes a catalyst for improving their sex lives and relationship. Some people may feel stifled by repressive societal attitudes towards sexuality, and may welcome the opportunity to form friendships and a new social network with people of like mind.

Others may simply feel that sex should be a natural possibility in any friendship in which there is mutual attraction, and so appreciate the relative open-mindedness and pleasure-positively with which the swinging community views this subject. Although the swinging community is unfortunately not always the best place right now for het-identified men to explore their potential bisexuality, it is currently a relatively good place for het-identified women to initially explore sex with other women, and this sometimes plays a role in couples choosing to seek it out. In the past, the swinging community has been somewhat unaware of or confused by alternative sexual practices such as BDSM or Tantra. This appears to be changing, and these days you may find many folks in the swinging community who are knowledgeable about such things (though forms of BDSM much more extreme than spanking or very light bondage may make people uncomfortable, depending on the club).

If you're interested in doing so and spend enough time meeting different people, you may actually find that today's swinging community is becoming a somewhat fertile place to meet folks with a variety of sexual interests. It is certainly true right now that the national swinging conventions tend to host seminars and workshops on a variety of sexual topics, which seems at least somewhat indicative of broadening perspectives in the community.

Some women may find the swinging community to be a welcome dose of sanity. Our culture can be quite cruel to women who have an active interest in sex, often derisively labeling them "sluts" - a term which stands in sharp contrast to the less derogatory term for men, "studs". The swinging community may be especially attractive to these women, who may feel their sex drives and/or sexual assertiveness should be appreciated rather than snickered about or reviled.

Some people end up learning quite a bit about themselves and their sexualities through swinging. For example, most folks find that having their partner actively enjoy and appreciate what they are experiencing during sex to be a tremendous turn-on; this is a realization which may stand in sharp contrast to the attitude that "performance" is all-important. Swinging can be an opportunity to learn to relax and appreciate sexual pleasure, and may help one view sex more as a source of pleasure and intimacy and less as a social bargaining chip or ego fuel.

What Might I Dislike About Lifestyle?

If you are uncomfortable with people being sexually attracted to you and/or flirting with you, then you might be uncomfortable at swinging events; similarly, if your relationship with your partner is on shaky ground, you might find seeing him or her flirt or be flirted with to be an uncomfortable experience. If either of you have hidden agendas concerning finding a permanent "replacement" for each other, you're probably in for a major emotional disaster. If you and your partner cannot communicate directly about relationships and sex, you're probably eventually in for a similarly sized disaster. In general, sex can provoke strong feelings along with its many pleasures; if you aren't comfortable dealing with emotions, then perhaps it might be better to wait a little while before exploring "the lifestyle." If you are a single male, you might actually be better off waiting until you are in a suitable relationship with a female before attempting to become active in swinging - most swing clubs allow very few if any single men to attend their events.

General Hints for Enjoyable Lifestyle

In the context of swinging, "couples" need not be married. They should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others' emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a "couple." The general rule of thumb is that swinging works best when couples view swinging as an enhancement to their existing sexual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one.

As one would expect, good communication is critical in any attempt at swinging as a couple. There are many, many different forms that swinging may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why. Sex has the potential to be an emotionally-charged area, and the pleasures that may be found in swinging can generally be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others' needs, and put their partner's comfort first. From a more pragmatic point of view, there will always be another party, another personal ad, another dance, another convention; there may not be another chance to salvage an exploration into swinging if one partner becomes overwhelmed in "the garden of delights" and forgets to treat his or her primary partner with sensitivity and respect.

It's important to keep in mind that swinging is primarily a SOCIAL activity. The ordinary social customs of meeting people and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other type of social gathering, and the process by which acquaintances become close friends is not that different either. The key social traits that tend to be appreciated in the swinging community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness, open-mindedness, and most importantly stability with regard to one's primary relationship.

As is the case with almost all human social endeavors, if you already know people in a particular community you'll probably be happier if you attend your first few events with these people so they can introduce you to others. Waiting a little while and watching how others behave is also a good idea, as it is in almost any new social situation. Common courtesy, of course, is as welcome in the swinging community as it is in any other community; we're all just people, after all.

There are several different styles of swinging which you may see in the swinging community. Some people may prefer not to be around when their partner is having sex with someone else ("closed swinging"), while others may insist on it ("open swinging"). The term "soft swinging" refers to trading partners just for the purposes of heavy petting and then switching back to one's primary partner for any actual sex. It might be valuable for you to think about whether there are any potential situations that you feel you would be more or less comfortable in, and discuss these with your partner.

Although not all couples find it necessary to do this, some couples feel more comfortable having social "codes" that only the two of them know. Examples might be discreet phrases or gestures which mean a) one of you is attracted to the people or person he or she is talking to and wants to know if you are interested in swinging with them, b) a reply to the above, either affirmatively or negatively, and c) one of you is not having a good time and wants to get away from things for a while.

At most swingers clubs, it's common for people to dress up or else wear very sexy and risqué clothing. If there's a dress theme for a particular event, go with the theme.

By the way, it is not necessary to actually have sex with other people to have a good time in the swinging community. Activities such as dances can provide a wonderful opportunity to flirt and be flirted with in a non-threatening yet sexually charged atmosphere, which can be fun.

Dealing with Jealousy

There are many different opinions about jealousy - several of the books recommended at the end of this guide devote considerable attention to the topic.

An interesting dynamic can sometimes arise in couples new to swinging, a dynamic which has inspired the community adage that "the more enthusiastic member of a couple will get the couple into swinging, but the less enthusiastic partner will keep them there." As Carol Queen puts it in her book Exhibitionism for the Shy
"The swing community has noticed another prevalent dynamic in couples where one partner, more often than not the man, has more enthusiasm than the other. He has had terrific fantasies about freewheeling sex and plenty of it, and he finally convinces his initially reluctant partner to give swinging a try. When they get to the party, she has a great time and is high demand, while he thinks the party's a dud... Before you pack up your sexy outfit and fistful of condoms, take some time to consider and negotiate how you will deal with the chagrin of the less popular partner if such a dismaying event happens to you."

In other words, some jealousy may spring from insecurity: if I'm worried that I'm not valuable enough to keep my primary partner's interest and love, or that fewer people will be interested in playing with me than with my primary partner, I may be more apt to get jealous. For the latter case, some of these fears may be alleviated by choosing, at least initially, to only swing together as a couple; this way neither partner can be left out.

Sometimes jealousy may spring from feelings of scarcity rather than feelings of insecurity: the fear is that "there's only so much love and so much pleasure and so much intimacy to go around." With this in mind, I'd like to quote from the NASCA Guide to Swinging, "The Myth of the Scarcity of Love is the popular belief that 'love is scarce,' which encourages hoarding. Hoarding, in turn, created the very scarcity that was feared to begin with. The myth's premises are that each of us has a very limited amount of love to give, spend, or sell; that if this is divided among several people, each will get less; that love can be saved; and that in order to be valuable, true love must be exclusive."

If you enjoy good literature and want to explore this idea in more depth, take the time to read a short story by Amy Bloom entitled "Love Is Not a Pie" (published in her Come to Me: Stories collection). But just as food for thought for the time being, you might consider a question which Dr. Deborah Anapol poses in Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: "Imagine a culture in which your partner's attraction to another signified opportunities for greater pleasure and intimacy; would jealousy occur in this context?" I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but for me swinging has been part of the inquiry.

To end this section on a more practical note, many couples find that the secrets to dealing with jealousy tend to revolve around good communication, keeping agreements, reassuring each other as to your love and commitment before and after playing with someone new, and listening to each other's emotional concerns and taking them seriously whenever they arise. If jealousy becomes an issue for you and your partner, you might try working on some or all of these things. Of Interest to Men...

By including these warnings I do not mean to imply that all or even most men would ever act like this; chances are if you're still reading this document you already have a healthy social sense and wouldn't think to misbehave in these ways. But anyway, here goes...

Attempting to hire an escort or sex worker to go to a swinging event with you, if you don't have a regular female partner, just so you can get in the door is a terribly poor idea; this is considered inappropriate at every club I have ever heard of, is generally sufficient to get you black-listed, and is a ruse that is highly likely to be noticed by others. A related concept is taking along someone who isn't really your primary partner and isn't really interested in swinging; such folks are called "tickets" (i.e. you just used them as a "ticket" to get in the door), and this practice isn't looked upon favorably either.

If you want nothing more than to see your female partner have sex with another woman, you will probably be better off forgetting about it until she brings it up; wandering around the club by yourself attempting to find a woman who wants to have sex with her, or otherwise trying to push this personal choice into happening, is considered quite unrefined and to be lacking in discrimination and sensibility.

Finally, please remember to converse with both members of a couple you and your partner are interested in, not just the partner you are interested in having sex with; ultimately it's your ability to form friendships with COUPLES which will determine the quality of your experience in the swinging community.

Using Personal Ads

In general, you will probably waste less time by placing an ad than by responding to ads. When writing your personal ad, it's important to be clear and honest about what your requirements are. You may find it helpful to first obtain a P.O. Box and a voice mail box which aren't traceable to your real name or home address; it's also a good idea to arrange the first meeting with someone new to be in a neutral and/or public place, so that if things don't seem to be going well you'll be able to leave easily and nobody new will know where you live. Ultimately, however, if you have swing clubs (whether on- or off- premises) in your area you will probably be better off meeting swingers through them than through personal ads.

Keeping Yourself and Your Partner Healthy

Each sex-positive community in this country has had a different response to the AIDS crisis, and in the face of a very frightening disease it is hard for me to fault people for acting irrationally sometimes. However, I believe the time has come for a more intelligent, pleasure-positive, and long-term response to STDs (of all kinds) than "excluding bisexual men," "inquiring about sexual histories and hoping for the truth," "trying to reassure yourself about how few people in your community you think are infected right now," "stigmatizing anal play," etc.

Learning to use latex and water-based lube skillfully may take a little practice, and ultimately it is up to you and your partner whether you will follow some or all the precautions I'm going to describe. However, try to keep in mind some of the payoffs: increased protection from disease, increased peace of mind, increased protection against pregnancy when another form of birth control (such as the pill) fails, and greater ease in interacting with younger swingers who may have never known a time when they haven't felt it necessary to use latex.

The Basics

Put simply, the single most effective thing you can do to stay healthy when swinging is to use latex condoms for intercourse; this practice is now extremely common in the swinging community, and is often expected.

All condoms are not made alike; men should experiment with different brands until they find the one they like best. When you put on a condom, pinch its tip as you unroll it (all the way down!) to prevent an air bubble from forming in the reservoir tip. For intercourse, you should then put some water-based lube (such as I-D, ForPlay, Wet, or Astroglide) on the outside of the condom for comfort, mutual pleasure, and to keep the condom from tearing during sex.

For a while, health experts were recommending that people use condoms and water-based lubes with Nonoxynol-9 to help guard against HIV transmission; current evidence suggests that, in the real world, N-9 is not nearly as good at HIV prevention as it has proved to be at contraception. Also, many women are allergic or sensitive to N-9, and it tastes horrid. For these reasons I only purchase products without N-9, but of course the choice is yours.

It should be obvious that a new condom needs to be put on for each new partner. If you're going to switch from anal intercourse to vaginal intercourse, you should also put on a new condom (doing otherwise can cause vaginal infections - similarly, you shouldn't put any fingers that used to be in an anus in a vagina without first washing your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap).

Some men find that more sensation is transmitted to them if they put a drop of water-based lube in the tip of their condom before putting it on.

The History and Future of the Lifestyle

Swinging dates back to the 1950's. Initially, personal ads were the only way to meet people in this particular lifestyle; the first organization to be open about swinging was the Sexual Freedom League (in Berkeley, California during the 1960's). Eventually, an umbrella organization called the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA) was formed to promote accurate information about the lifestyle all across the country.

Currently the Internet is becoming an alternative to printed personal ads, and a variety of large swinger's conventions are being held every year. Popular conventions include "New Orleans Swing Fest", "Lifestyles", "Wind and Waves", "Campout", "Northwest Celebration", and "Visions".

My best guess as to the future is that as more people in this country begin to think of themselves as "open-minded" and "sex-positive", as our response to STDs becomes more rational, and as more people from other sex-positive communities begin to explore swinging, the swinging community will grow and begin to attract a new generation of sexually adventurous enthusiasts. I suspect that the size and influence of the annual swinging conventions will continue to grow, and also suspect that "cyber-space" alternatives to real-life swinging (involving interactive video, sound, etc.) will become increasingly popular.

What to wear to a Lifestyle party?

Tonight is the night! Party time! You and your partner are extremely excited and can hardly wait to get out there and have some real fun. You just got waxed and got your nails done and he is out getting a hair cut at Super Cuts. It has been weeks since you have been out and you are really looking forward to meeting some exciting new people, interact with them and who knows what else might happen.

The two of you find swinging to be lots of fun and very exciting. All you need to do is figure out what you are going to wear. You have several outfits that you recently ordered from an online sex shop. What should you wear? Hmmmmm?

For those of you having a problem deciding what to wear to a swing party, remember to dress comfortably -- that's first and foremost. The aim is to wear clothing that will turn not only your partner's head but others as well. Most men and many women are very visual and you want them to notice you and say WOW! You can be as daring as you want to be -- do not be afraid to use your imagination. Sexy outfits are a sure hit at any adult club. Many swingers make their own outfits, especially for special events like the Exotic Erotic Ball and Lifestyle conventions.

If you have been in the lifestyle for a while you have the experience of knowing the level of other swingers based on the way that a couple is dressed. There are three categories: beginners ( more commonly referred to as newbies ), intermediate swingers and veteran swingers. Each level dresses a certain way to indicate how they like to swing.

Newbies are more likely to wear more conservative clothing since it is their first time and they don't know any better. You will be able to tell them from the others because they will dress just like as if they were going to a regular dance club or another evening event. Newbies will also make the mistake of wearing jeans to a swing club. There is an unwritten rule that wearing jeans is a "no-no" when it comes to attending an adult event or club. Some newbies don't realize that their chances of hooking up are based on the way they are dressed. Other swingers will not know how to receive them if she is wearing a turtle neck and slacks baring no skin. That could be perceived as a non-player. But there is always the exception to the rule. Some newbies are "go-getters." They have already made up their minds on what they're going to do. They've done the research and they want to play and they will dress the part.

The intermediate swingers are more easily noticeable. They bare it all with no shame. These are your second, third or forth timers who have learned from the first time that they were at a sex club and not a disco. Wearing a short skirt with fishnet stockings and stiletto heels is a clear indication of what they are looking to get into that evening. They can dress really sexy, wearing the skimpiest things and are playful and interact well with the other guests. Intermediates swingers do not beat around the bush -- if they like you they will let you know it. And if they do not play that evening -- they may take a rain check.

Veteran swingers will dress to indicate their mood. If tonight is "total slut" night, so be it! They have no problem wearing what they want and sometimes may even just go in the nude. You will not get mixed signals from veterans: if they attend they are there to play and mingle.

Dressing for parties is not a rocket science. You should dress to indicate your mood. If you attend a party just to be a voyeur, wearing something naughty like an open crouch body stocking with stiletto heels could send the wrong message and invite many unwanted advances. Also, guys, if your lady dresses hot, you should too. The clash in clothing between the two of you could send an underlying message that only one of you is ready to play or that you may not be a real couple and just using each other to get in clubs.
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Voyeurism and exhibitionism

Voyeurism is the practice in which an individual derives sexual pleasure from observing another person or a group of people while they are having sex.

The object of the voyeur's attention may be engaged in a sexual act, or be nude, or in underwear, or dressed in whatever other way the voyeur may find appealing. Voyeuristic practices take a number of forms, but the main characteristic is that the voyeur does not directly interact with the person that has their attention whom quite often is unaware that they are being observed. The voyeur observes from a distance, peeping through an opening, and/or using other devices like a pair of binoculars, a mirror, a camera (including camera phone and video camera), etc. This stimulus becomes part of a masturbation fantasy during or after the observation.

Many voyeurs in the lifestyle love to watch their spouses with other partners. This is especially true of men watching their wives in action with other women or other men. Often this is the extent of his "fun" and later after it's all done, he'll want to play with her or maybe just masturbate.

There are many couples in the lifestyle that like to attend swing parties or sex events not to participate with anyone, but just to watch other people having sex. Voyeurism is a desire that is similar to actually wanting sex. The need to watch can exceed the need to actually play to a certain extent. Most men are very visual and watching can assist them in arousing their manhood.

In a way, there is a little voyeurism in all of us. Seeing people in "action" like in a very hot and steamy sex video will quite often arouse us. Porn is a $10 billion dollar a year business because of voyeurs. For those who haven't tried swinging - sitting in front of a TV and beating off to sex starlets having sex can be the next best thing. Porn movies are great to watch, easy to manage and you don't have to get dressed up and they can be seen in the privacy of your own home. Internet porn is very popular. A recent special on HBO Pornucopia reported that every two minutes, two million people are downloading something off the Internet that's sexually related. And that's not to mention the millions of hours spent by consumers on Internet web sites interacting with women and men on web cams.

If watching and not playing is your thing, the best place to go is to an on-premise swing club. You can be assured that every major city in the U.S. has at least one. At a club, a voyeur can have an eye full. Most on-premise clubs have rooms for couples to pair off and have sex openly or privately. Many swingers love to be seen while they are having sex. For every voyeur there are two or more exhibitionists. Exhibitionists love to be watched. Being watched is as important and sexually exciting to them as a voyeur who loves watching.

Some clubs have elaborate well-decorated rooms for exhibitionists to play in so that they can be watched without being disturbed. These rooms are set up with one-way mirrors so the voyeur can watch without been seen. Other places to go watch people are Swingers Conventions or somewhere like the Exotic Erotic Ball. Both of these events are a voyeur paradise where the "eye candy" is always plentiful and exciting.

Voyeurs are not generally welcomed at private swing parties. Because most private parties are smaller and more intimate and a voyeur would be considered a non-player and a gawker. They would get in the way, take up space and may even make other guests uncomfortable. If you just want to watch it may be best to ask the host or hostess if it's OK. Many probably wouldn't mind if money is their main motive. But good hosts will think about all their other guests first and give you an honest answer, "I'm sorry, perhaps you should try a club." Watching is fun but for most real swingers it's a huge distraction when people just staring at them while they are having sex. If you got to watch then be sure that you only watch your own partner with a couple or in a MFM with a couple. Top off the experience by getting into the action later so the fun can be had by all.
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How to read people

You and your partner just arrived at the hottest swing club in the city. You are greeted at the door by the host or hostess and since it is your first time at that particular club you are given the standard walk through. Disco lights are flashing, music is going strong and the people look hot! It's kind of early; doesn't look like any playing was going on yet, people are just mingling and talking; looking and just having a great time.

The tour is over and you thank the host. It's a BYOB (Bring Your Own Booze) club so you find your way to the bar for a cocktail and to make a pass in front of the other guests to ensure that you've both been seen and noticed; after all, you didn't get all dressed up for nothing. You're both wearing sexy clothing, but hopefully you won't be wearing it for too long because it can be uncomfortable.

You position yourselves in an area where you can see the door and everyone coming in and out. The two of you do a visual to assess your surroundings and to see who's playing and who's not. Just by looking around you can get a feel of what everyone's intentions are.

One way to spot the real players is how they dress. Or better yet, how the female is dressed. Guys tend to be very casual by wearing just a pair of slacks and a collared shirt. Every once in the while you'll see the really fit types wear a tight designer t-shirt or maybe even a sleeveless shirt to reveal muscular arms. The guys have sex appeal but it's the women that really get your attention. Oh the naughty things they wear. It's a sure bet that ladies wearing a long dress that covers her legs, jeans or slacks and looking really plain (you know, the Mother Hubbard look) are sending a message that they aren't playing tonight. I could be wrong, but it has always been our experience with couples where the lady is dressed real conservatively, that they are usually new, voyeurs and just looking, or she's on her period but doesn't mind if he plays (you know the type). Women dressed more loosely and very sexy, wearing very short skirts without panties, spandex, latex or a very revealing tops, are sending a massage, "We are here to play tonight."

Eye contact is another way to spot potential fun. As with anything in life; if someone isn't interested in you, they will keep looking away from you every time you look in their direction. Or, if they find you really unpleasant, they may just move. Eye contact has got to be the most outright clear way of saying, "buzz off" without saying the words. On the other hand, those who find you two particularly attractive will not just look you in the eye from across the room but may flirt with you too. Be ready to return the favor!

How about a dance? Now you're on the dance floor shaking your booties. Bump! "Hey... All of sudden you turn your head and see this sexy female looking you both in the eye with big luscious hungry lips and incredibly sexy attire. "Can I dance with you two? You shake your head avidly and say, "Yes, please do." Her partner, not to far behind, joins in and in no time the little dance romp turns into a full swap right on the dance floor. With each partner dancing with the opposite sex it gets hot and heavy. You are having a blast! They ask if you want to leave the dance floor and go down stars and "have some fun." Is this a match or what?

Starting a conversation is a perfect way to see who is interested in playing. Simply approach a couple that you find attractive and start a candid conversation with them. If they spend a lot of time talking politics and world events and "what do you do for a living" type questions, this couple is probably not looking to play or they are not interested. Politely excuse yourself and move on to another couple.

When you've had it with the guess work and want to make sure you don't have any last minute disappointments, chatting with a couple on line a few weeks before going out is an excellent way to ensure you will both have fun. By chatting before hand, you lay out on the table exactly what you both want. All four of you agree in advance what you would like to do or not to do with each other. When you finally meet, you can have all the fun mentioned above, only this time with benefits and without guesswork.

No strategy is fool proof, but one of them is bound to get you results. So, pick the one you are most comfortable with, or do a combination of them all, and have fun!
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Your first lifestyle encounter

So, you have finally decided to go for it and have your first sexual encounter with another couple! The excitement is great, the sexual tension is high, the possibilities are endless. But how to make things go smooth and make everything happen to everyone's enjoyment? Well, there are many ways to make sure you will love your experience and remember it for a long time.

Before going to a party or a date where you are planning on playing with another couple, make sure to talk in details between each other about your limits, boundaries and expectations. Some couples prefer not to go all the way on their first encounter and it is something that should be talked about upfront. Make sure to set a limit on how far both of you are willing to go. Remember you should think not only about things that you yourself are comfortable doing with someone else, but also the things that you would be OK with your partner do with another person as well. Watching your partner with someone else is very different from having the fantasy about it, so you should prepare yourself that your partner will actually be intimate with someone other than you as you watch him or her enjoy it in front of you. Some couples set the limit on just light touching and kissing. Some set it at "soft swing" which is "everything but penetration". Some go all the way. Find what you and your partner are comfortable with and go for it.

Safe sex is another issue that you both should think about before your experience. Talk about it and determine what safety measures you would like to take. Most couples in the lifestyle use condoms with partners other than their own. However, it is different for all couples when it comes to oral sex. Some choose to skip oral sex with another couple because of possible risks of contracting STDs. Some couples decide to play orally only while males are wearing condoms. Some decide to not use protection at all because they know and trust another couple or are just willing to take a risk for a thrill. If you are going to a swing club, make sure to find out ahead of time if they provide condoms on premises or you should bring some with you. If you are going out just the four of you, make sure to bring your own protection if you choose to use any.

If you know the couple that you are planning to be sexual with that evening, try to talk about your and their rules and limitations before the encounter. Both sides should communicate to each other about everything from how far they are willing to go to how much protection everybody should use. However, some couples decide to not have set limits and play everything by ear. If you meet a couple that you have never seen before at a party and decide to play with them on premise, try to find out about all of their limits as much as you can before the play, so there are no misunderstandings during the encounter that can sour the experience.

Once you and your partners have picked the place for the encounter, it is sometimes hard to move from a friendly conversation to an actual act. There are many ways to segue into a sexual situation. Some couples prefer to do some activities before the encounter to get things rolling just a little bit. It could be by playing adult ice-breaker games which are available on line or at any adult store. Some prefer to go out clubbing ( whether to a regular or a swing club ) where they switch partners on the dance floor to get the sexual chemistry going. But most of the times, things happen naturally and on their own. If both couples are hot for each other, you will never even notice the actual move from the conversation to the action.

If you have decided or just didn't think of doing any ice-breaking activity, you can try going into a hot tub or a sauna where it is easier to get in a more sexual situation. Some couples agree ahead of time to start their encounters in separate rooms and then move back to the same room after everybody has already advanced into the sexual play with their new partners. Sometimes couples do not move back into the same room until the next time they play. That way each couple gets a chance to tell each other about their experiences before actually watching each other in the same room environment.

Even though it is never planned to be a part of the experience, it should be mentioned that most males at one point or another have difficulties that may be a result of anxiety or nervousness. When presented with a new situation such as having a first sexual encounter with someone other than your partner in front of that partner, many males may loose their erection. Needless to say, once that takes place, it only adds more to the already overwhelming pressure, and the expected results may never happen that night at all. It actually is very normal for many males. Does this mean the experience is over and everybody goes home? No! Your new partner will most likely understand and comfort you to relax and calm you down. Most males choose to make up for their softness with more foreplay and oral play. It is also a good idea to switch back to your regular partner and try to get something going between you two before switching back again.

Once things get rolling, the possibilities are endless. Some couples stick to playing with each other's partners for the rest of the night exploring different positions and paces. Some involve sex toys, dirty talk, food and anything else that can spice things up even further. Some decide to explore different combinations of partners. Couples with bi-sexual or bi-curious members usually evolve into a 4some where "bi" partners play with each other as well as the rest of the group at the same time. Some women like to try double penetration. Other combinations of 3somes can happen as one of the partners takes a rest or in some cases takes pictures or films the encounter. Make sure to check with your partners ahead of time if you would like to document your experience.

We hope your first encounter is satisfying to everyone involved and leaves a great memory for you to look back on in the future! Play safe!

Hotel parties

Amidst all the excitement in the world of swinging very little is said about private hotel parties, which are very popular amongst hard-core swingers. Many private Yahoo and MSN groups post their event announcements via the Internet. Most of the groups are private and the owner/moderator must approve your membership. Some groups require knowing you or have to know you personally before giving you access to their group. Without being a member, you would not get to read the posts or the announcements.

Before making the decision to attend a hotel party it is very important that you and your partner have a solid, grounded relationship and are very secure in that relationship. Remember that all swingers were where you are now at one time. If you are 'newbie's', try your best to relax, give yourself as much time as you need to feel comfortable and to be at ease with this new experience. Most swingers are extremely friendly and helpful towards newcomers and will go out of their way to see to your overall comfort by introducing you to others and offering information or answering questions.

Hotel parties are not for voyeurs. There is not that much space and if you are there just to watch, you may have more fun just going to a 'public' club where there is no feeling of obligation. You could get the feeling that you are in the way if you are not there to play. Most of the swingers who attend hotel parties are there to have sex that night -- either with each other or with someone else. You will find that many of the couples that attend these types of party's are couples where the wife is the main point of attention -- she likes to play a lot. To them, the hotel party is where all the 'real' action is.

Many couples in the lifestyle have a problem with single guys. The bottom line is -- they just don't like them. Many believe that most 'single' guys are married or involved and are cheating on their partners. They are they alone and therefore they have anything to offer. Husbands and boyfriends, who treat their significant other like a possession or something to barter with, have this attitude, but they don't have a problem with single ladies at all. Hotel parties tend to invite a lot of single guys and few single ladies. This may be for two reasons: 1) for financial gain or, 2) because the guests they invite like a lot of action -- or it could be both.

It is possible to go to a large club with 500 couples and not connect with anyone. Whereas you can attend a small hotel party with just 7 couples, a few single guys and ladies and increase your chances of having sex by as much as 90%. Many swingers who have been in the lifestyle for years prefer hotel parties or private house parties to the lager venues mainly because of the orgasm factor. Swingers love orgasms from a variety of different sources and private parties have the intimacy that is required to accomplish that goal quicker then the larger clubs. Those who fantasize about gangbangs and orgies have a greater likelihood in a hotel party setting then at the bigger club too.

Hotel parties also provide a relaxed atmosphere and a more laid back swinging experience. You don't have to worry as much about being in great shape, there is normally no age factor and there is no pressure to wear skimpy clothing to attract other couples. Being in a more intimate non-club setting increases the comfort level and it's also possible to strike up a conversation with everyone attending. Hotel parties get so comfortable that some swingers split from their partner and play in separate rooms. Someone that they know or know about hosts many of the parties so it is not unusual to attend one of these parties and personally know everyone attending.

Most hotel parties are geared to people who want to have sex and lots of it. If you are a newbie couple you might want to think twice before going to a party like this -- it may be too much for you for your first time.

Bi-sexual women

In the past three decades, American women have gone a long way in how they are perceived in the modern society. Besides enjoying more civil liberties and taking more active role in the country's political life, women of today have expanded their sexual freedom as well. More activities and more choices have become acceptable by mainstream society than ever before. Being sexually active and adventurous is no longer a sin. Women have made a point that they desire and enjoy sex just as much as men do, and are no longer afraid or ashamed of their sexualities.

One of the newly found freedoms for women has become an acceptance, often boarding with encouragement, of exploring bi-sexuality. Media all around us have been promoting and publicizing lesbian encounters in a wide variety of programming starting with Howard Stern radio show and going all the way to the coming out of Rosie O'Donnell to her mainstream conservative audience. Films like "Bound" have opened up the gates to the wide range of other movies and TV series treating female bi-sexuality as a healthy desire for a woman to explore.

Even though somewhat fabricated, the bi-sexual themes have been making it big with regular women at home as well. More women have allowed themselves to consider and in many cases explore sexual relationships with other women. Some would only take it as far as flirting or maybe kissing. As a matter of fact, a kiss between two women does not even suggest that they are gay or even bi-sexual. The new term that has surfaced in the lifestyle is "bi-curious". Bi-curious does not necessarily mean the desire to be with another woman all the time, it only means the desire to try, perhaps not just once, another woman as a spicy addition to already existing sex life. Some women have found themselves in relatively serious same sex relationships even though they still favor men as their main sexual preference.

Most of the women interested in bi-sexual experiences in the lifestyle are members of committed couples. Most of them do not necessarily enjoy women as much as men, but they are interested in experiencing something different once in a while. Some are only interested in trying a lesbian encounter to have it under their belt and never look back. Of course, very few men oppose their partners in having such encounters. As a matter of fact, most men encourage their female partner in exploring her desires to be with another woman if she lets those desires known. Many women would not otherwise actually explore their interests in the same sex encounters if it weren’t for their male partners paving their way into the lifestyle.

Single women in the lifestyle are no different than the ones with a male partner; however, many of them are interested in an experience with both sexes at the same time. They are interested in sharing chemistry not just with both partners on one-on-one basis, but also having those two partners have an already existing chemistry among them. Also, the premise of having an encounter with a couple appeals to single women more than having those encounters separately with singles for a fact that it is considered much "safer" to explore one's sexuality in a comfort of a committed couple.

Couples who look for single women for a threesome mainly look for either girl/girl action with a male watching or FMF threesome where everybody is shared among the rest. That depends on what both parties are looking for. Some men love watching their female partners with another woman and that is the only thrill that they want to get from the experience. Some women do not want their male partners to participate for many different reasons including jealousy and possible lack of attention from either party.

Some women love watching their men in action with another woman just as much as the action itself. In very few cases, some women prefer only to watch their male partners with other women without participation.

Swinging encounters, even though mainly sexual, that are built around bi-sexual encounters between females usually require more chemistry and patience than MFM threesomes or full swap encounters. So, keep that in mind, be safe in your adventures and enjoy them to the fullest!

Costume parties

Have you ever wanted to get it on with Jeannie of "I Dream of Jeannie?" Or have sex with Robin Hood? How does a blow job from a sexy French Maid sound?

Swingers are extremely imaginative when it comes to dressing in sexy costumes. The interest has become so popular that costume businesses have enjoyed a huge boost in sales. If you think Halloween is a just a big deal for kids wait until you hear how big it is for adults, swingers in particular. If you don't believe me try ordering a schoolgirl outfit from an online adult novelty store. You'll find the words "this item is out-of-stock" will be a common reply when you try to order that particular item. Why? Schoolgirl costumes are big in the swinger community all year round.

Today we wear sexy costumes in conjunction with role-playing, which has been around for thousands of years. Of particular note, the Ancient Romans were known for acts of debauchery like the world has never seen. They would role-play at their parties just like we do today. Only they would pretend to be the Gods that they worshiped or heroes like Hercules or Achilles. Roman Emperor Caligula had a particular fondness of the Greek God Zeus; the only problem with him was he actually thought he was a God.

Swingers on the hand are living in the real world. They just like to pretend; hey, dressing up is fun and sexy. Theme parties have gained momentum at swinger clubs. It's not unusual to see a toga, a schoolgirl, a stripper or a slut night advertised to draw in swingers to a club or party. Also, costumes are excellent icebreakers. Costume parties are really big during swinger special events, vacations and conventions. The big three that I personally know about are:

Lifestyle Conventions: These conventions have huge theme parties. I attended the 2003 Lifestyle conventions in Las Vegas last year and one of their theme parties was called Arabian Nights. 3,000 people attended the convention and 3,000 people had on something on that particular night related to that theme. It was incredible seeing thousands of people dressed up like Sinbad and Jeanie.

The Pimp'n'Ho Ball: Another fun event held in Las Vegas every year in September. What happens is everybody dresses up as -- that's right! -- Either a pimp or a ho. This affair is now a classic and the guests do their best to look the part of "for-sale." Looking as smutty and as skanky as possible is the goal for the ladies. This is a very popular party, but if you plan to attend, be warned that the line to get in starts four hours before the event begins. Which is okay, I guess, if you're in line with all these people in g-strings and pasties. It is not actually a swinger event, but a lot of swingers do attend. The real fun is at the after parties, held by swingers or some hotshot celebrity. If you are lucky enough, you might get an invite.

The Exotic Erotic Ball: This is an annual event held in the San Francisco Cow Palace; this year will be the 25th anniversary. The cavernous rodeo and livestock auction venue is transformed into a steamy three-ring circus of lust, with a center stage arena flanked by two halls featuring the booths of an adult shopping mall and smaller stages showcasing burlesque, circus, striptease acts, lap dancing, fetish fashions, and live S&M shows. It is a huge event, and swingers attend by the boatload, but it's not just for swingers, but for anyone who likes to have fun and be around other well-behaved open-minded, fun people expressing themselves and their freedoms through their costumes or lack of costumes; yes you will see lots nakedness. If you like to just let it all hang out and remain inconspicuous, this is a great way to have fun without anyone knowing your true identity. Masks are permitted and even encouraged due to the fact that many cameras will be around.

Swingers who like to role-play in costumes sometimes come up with some really elaborate scenarios that may even include a script. Just for kicks my husband wanted me to wear some really sexy clothing and put on a nun outfit over it. Some people have the schoolgirl fetish or his is nuns. Go figure. Regardless of where you play "dress up" it is almost a guarantee you are going to have fun.
click here for costumes

Joining a lifestyle group

You have probably heard that besides swing clubs many couples attend parties organized by what's called lifestyle groups. Many swingers who have never been to one usually think that a group party is something like a low-budget swing club ran out of someone's apartment. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Groups are not smaller versions of the swing clubs - they are actually more personalized versions of the whole swinging community. There are as many groups out there as there are flavors of swinging. Each group caters to a particular type of swingers and makes it easier for everybody to enjoy the lifestyle within the environment of the like-minded people.

No matter what you hear, most groups are not for newbies. Most of them cater to people who have tried the lifestyle for a while and have figured out what they are looking for. Some groups are for couples that are looking for single men, some are for those looking for single women, some - for a certain age group, and others - for a specific fetish. The list of the different kinds of groups is endless, and if you are comfortable in the lifestyle, there is probably one for you where most people are like you and your partner.

Couples that have been in the lifestyle for a long time put the majority of the groups together. Most of them host the parties at their own homes. Each party is by invitation only and everybody who wants to join gets "screened" by the couple running the group. The screening is mainly to make sure that only people who are looking for exactly the same end up at the party, where at a swing club all types and flavors of people are welcome to show up as long as they pay the cover.
People who are passionate about the lifestyle organize most groups. They put their hearts and souls into it and finance everything themselves. When you are at a group party you will probably be asked for a donation, but won't be pressured to pay at all. The place will probably be much homier than an average swing club. You'll find more choice at the snacks and drinks table. Some go as far as preparing a full dinner for all of the members. People who have driven from a great distance will be welcomed to stay a night and will be served with breakfast the next morning. You'll feel like a part of a family.

It is important to pick the right group to join. Most likely by the time you're ready to look into joining a group you'll know of one you're interested in already, as the couples that you have met in the lifestyle before have told you about it. Make sure to ask lots of questions. The best way to find out details about a group you're interested in is by contacting its owner and getting the information first hand. You will probably be asked several questions yourself as the owner will try to figure out if you'll be a good fit in the group or if there are other places that may cater to your needs better.

Once you arrive at a group party, you will probably recognize some of the people there that you have seen before - couples from your previous encounters, people who have recommended the group to you and of course - the hosts. If you don't jump into the party right away, you'll probably find that others will come up and introduce themselves to you. Many will go out of their way to make you feel at home. Hosts will make sure that you are comfortable as well and will check up on you throughout the evening.

Once the evening gets started, many groups will come up with icebreakers to get the party to a next level. Besides regular introductions members will play adult games, watch X-rated movies and participate in other activities that will get everyone involved and loosened up. You will get to know other people better as the evening goes on. Those who know you will probably recommend and introduce you to others who they think maybe a good match for you for the evening.

As you spend some time in the lifestyle, you'll make many friends and at one point, you yourself will end up in your own "invisible" group whether you know it or not. The circle of lifestyle friends that you will be spending your time with will get to a point where you'll find that organizing your own group is a next natural step. As many others have had the same feeling and tried to put together a group before, their efforts were not always successful. Many don't realize that it is a lot of work and costs quite a bit of money. You must also have a good place, like your house, to host the party at. This doesn't mean you should be discouraged from putting a group together, but you should think everything through very carefully before you do.
Screening for couples to your own party is also not as easy as it may sound. You must know and understand the lifestyle very well to be sure to put together a group of people with the same interests and the right dynamic. You will need to find out as much as possible about everybody who applies to become a member at your group. Most likely you have met them before, but there are also some that you'll talk to for the first time. See if they are a good fit in all aspects: sexuality, age group, fetish interests, cultural background, etc. If you do your screening right - you'll find your party electrolyzed from all the chemistry you've put together.

It is hard to describe all aspects and types of the lifestyle groups, as there are more of them than you can count. If you feel like you're ready to find one to spend most of your lifestyle time in, look around and you'll most likely come across one shortly. Do you homework and enjoy your experience!
click here for links to groups

Safe practices at lifestyle parties

Let's face it -- for those of us who are in it and love it, the swinging lifestyle is fun, exciting and does a lot for our self-esteem and our sex life. However, it's not without a risk. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) are real and it could be your reality if you don't play it safe.

HIV is relatively rare in the lifestyle. We are a small community and news travels fast. I have only heard of one lifestyle couple (I did not know them personally, but I read about them during my research) that had AIDS. This was ten years ago and they were both bi and IV drug users, putting them in a very high-risk category.

There is no question that there is some risk in swinging. However, the reason it has not caught hold in the swinging community is that vaginal intercourse is not the most efficient means of transmission. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and other research I have read, the chances of a woman contracting HIV from an infected man through vaginal intercourse is less than 1 in 1,000 incidences and this includes people with other co-factors such as other STDs that make them more likely to become infected. In a normal healthy person, the risk level could go significantly lower. Of course, if you are having sex with someone who is infected on a very regular basis, such as in a marriage, the odds go up dramatically that you will become infected. It is significantly less likely that a woman will transmit the infection to a man.

Statistically speaking, according to the latest findings, most swingers practice safe sex. You are at greater risk of catching a STD if you play outside of the lifestyle at a dance club then if you meet someone at a swinger club who comes prepared to have sex with strangers. Practicing safe sex is, of course, an individual choice, but it is a very important choice - this is the 21st century after all. Anyone's decision to use condoms should be politely accepted. Anyone not willing to accept someone's decision is acting irresponsible and disrespectful. To be quite frank - you shouldn't have sex with anyone who does not practice safe sex.

When playing at swing party, here are a few very simple rules.

• Use condoms at all times -- bring your own just in case there are none provided at the party.
• Change condoms between partners -- never pull a "switch-a-roo" (using the same condom on a different partner.)
• Never do anal to vaginal sex with the same condom -- it will cause the lady to get an infection.
• Use a Dental Dam or even less expensive, try Saran Wrap, for oral and vaginal stimulation or cut a condom to serve the same purpose.
• Use a condom when giving head. Flavored condoms are available and are more enjoyable as they do not have that nasty spermicidal taste.
• Use latex gloves along with a good lubricate for fingering and probing.

Learn how to examine new partners. Go with your instincts, if it doesn't look right, smell right or taste right, it probably isn't right. Learn how to milk (stroke from the base up to the tip a couple of times) and examine a penis before sucking it. If you notice a green sticky substance or thick yellow gooey stuff dripping out, you should graciously decline playing with that person. Look for little blisters around the head of the penis - this could be an indication that the person has Herpes, but be careful not to confuse these for razor bumps in the pubic area.

Showering before sex is an excellent way to examine your potential partner. You can get "hands on" helping them clean the areas that you will most likely be concentrating on. This is also a way to "bond" with the other person thereby making the sex even more enjoyable and fun. Showering immediately before and after sex is a sure fire way to avoid many infections or viruses and I "recommend" gargling with Listerine too. What a great way to get rid of possible unpleasant tastes or odors. An ounce of prevention will save you a pound of headache and an embarrassing trip to your Gynecologist or General Practitioner.

When you meet a couple, ask them the hard questions like

• How long they been in the lifestyle?
• Do you practice safe sex outside of your relationship?
• Do you play with high-risk people like Bi men, IV drug users or TV's?
• When was the last time you were checked for HIV and STD's?

These are all legit question to ask any potential sex partner. Anyone who is offended by or refuses to answer these types of questions are people that you shouldn't be having sex with. Bottom line -- it's always better to be safe than sorry!

Lifestyle Ethics

Ethics is probably one of the most important aspects in the lifestyle that has been talked about the least. As the lifestyle is very discrete and the alternative community is very small, it is almost guaranteed that you will make a certain name for yourself and your partner if you do not act courteously towards others in the lifestyle. The way you play within the lifestyle will most likely determine the way others will treat you in return.

As many couples meet online, some may assume that there is no such thing as ethics in the virtual world. One can easily hide behind a username or a chat window. That is simply untrue. Many couples that connect with others online participate in in-person dating and visit swing clubs. There the virtual world and the reality merge and you are no longer just a username. So, your actions online will probably determine how you will get treated in person. Since the community is very small, it is very easy to make a bad name for yourself if you don't play nice and you'll be totally cut off from the lifestyle, as others will want nothing to do with you. On the other hand if you play fairly and are good to all couples and singles that you meet, you will probably end up being recommended to others and make lots and lots of friends.

Be polite and courteous to members who had courage and time to contact you first. Even if you are not interested, you should write a polite message back to them kindly declining the invitation without them feeling bad about their first move. It will be strongly appreciated, and you will appreciate it too when a couple that you may want to start a relationship with will turn you down gently instead of being rude in their response or the absence of it. Even if you are overwhelmed with responses, you should still write a quick "thank you - will get back to you soon" message not to appear ignorant.

If you meet online, always make sure that you have a picture of both of you in the shot with your faces in plain view. Even though many couples want to be discrete about participating in the lifestyle, it is still a deal breaker for many to be in the dark about what the other party looks like. After all, a physical attraction is a must when it comes to playing with another couple or a single. If you want to post a picture in your ad profile, make sure that both members are on it. As many couples choose to only present the female half of the couple, in almost all cases you will be asked for the picture of the second member anyway. If anyone, it is the women who are pickier than men when it comes to physical aspects of their potential playmates.

As you meet couples in person after introducing yourselves on line or just bumping into them at a lifestyle party, there are many other rules that you probably want to follow. If you are a couple where only one member is really into the idea of the lifestyle and another one is just going along with it, you probably won't have much luck with other couples as it is very easily recognizable. It is most likely a good idea not to join the lifestyle at all in that case, as it is almost impossible to have a good experience in such situation.

It is also important to make sure that people who you meet know exactly what you're looking for. If you are a couple who is looking to go no further than a soft swing - you should mention it to others up front as most couples who are into the full swap will consider it rude to lead them on into something they are not interested in. If you are a couple who is only looking to limit the interaction in the experience to only certain members, for example only for women to interact with each other with men just watching, you should definitely be open about that as well since other couples may not be interested in being limited to just that activity.

Newbies are usually very good about their new status up front and it is highly appreciated by the experienced couples. However, if you are a newbies, you may want to be very clear on how fast you want to move with another couple. As there is nothing wrong with a couple who wants to take their time in exploring the lifestyle, it can still be very frustrated for an experienced couple to lead them into it as the expected pace may be different. So, make sure to talk about everything beforehand.
If you are a single man, there is of course a standard set of rules like not to be pushy, be respectful to both members of the couple, understand that you are a guest in their relationship, etc. You will probably get more play from couples if you really tune into their relationship and find out what they are looking for and why. Couples will appreciate you giving them some space with the decision of playing with you and not putting any pressure on them in any situation.

Even though this lifestyle is for respected adults, there are many cases of couples that get stood up by their dates just like in high school. Sometimes another couple backs out of the date at the last minute because of having second thoughts, some get so nervous they pretty much wimp out on the spot. However, no matter what you reason is you should always notify your dates about the situation. It would be appreciated much more if you cancel the date at the last minute than if you never show up at all.

One of the main concerns in the lifestyle is still safety and staying STD free. It is very important to be upfront about your practice of safe sex. If you do not practice it all the time, but claim so to other members, it is only a matter of time until others will find out. As most couples rotate in the lifestyle between old and new partners, it is impossible to keep almost anything in secret. So, if you are not always safe, it is best to be up front with your potential partners. And if they still want to play with you, you may want to voluntarily take an STD test to prove them your clean bill of health.
Be polite to others and treat them the way you yourselves will want to be treated back. Enjoy!
click here to read more

Getting Cold feet is Natural

Jennifer and Donny have attended over a dozen swing events in the past. They are a very attractive, fit, educated couple in their early 30's and everyone who meets them likes them. They are very active swingers who are into foursomes, moresomes and group sex. Those who have had the pleasure of playing with them have nicknamed them the energizer bunnies because they are so full of energy.

Jennifer and Donny walked into their favorite swing club. It wasn't too long before they made contact with a cute couple that they had met a few weeks prior. After a few drinks and some pleasant conversation, they broke off into a playroom for some fun. They paired off -- Donny had a sexy lady all to himself. Naked and ready to play she laid back to let Donny indulge her orally. He dove right in head first (no pun intended). After a few minutes she sat up and reached down to return the favor. At that point Donny realized that he wasn't even close to being hard. He didn't understand what was going, but being the cool calm collective type -- he used his quick wit to get into the mood. Knowing that he probably had a slight case of overexcitement -- he slowed down a little. He steadied his breathing, closed his eyes and was able to relax enough to let his sexual anxiety receded. Also, with the help of his vivid imagination, he was rock hard in no time.

Do you ever see those impotence ads in the sports section of major newspapers? They are usually located right next to the ads for hair removal and hair restoration, above the ads for nude female mud wrestlers. You notice that most the men in the ads seem to be older? Contrary to what these ads imply, erectile problems happen to most men from time to time, especially in a swinger situation. It is commonly referred to as "Stage Fright" or "Performance Anxiety" or "Limp Dick." Regardless of what it's called, it can be very embarrassing when it happens.

What happened to Donny was a classic case of performance anxiety. It was possible that he was so excited that his equipment just wouldn't function as in a normal situation - - perfectly understandable. Most guys would never own up to this, but it does happen and it often happens to men in the lifestyle. I would think that about 90% of all male swingers have experienced this at one time or another. Guys get nervous and whether they want to admit it or not, sometimes they may not be able to achieve an erection. The worst thing for them is that it could happen for the first time, any time, at the wrong time. When they really need "Freddy" to stand at attention, he falls asleep.

Believe it or not this is very commonplace on the set of porn movies. Producers have an easy remedy for this when it happens, it's called a "fluffer" (a woman who helps by performing oral stimulation) and if that fails to arouse "Freddy" then they rely on Viagra. I know this to be fact as I have a personal friend who produces porn movies and he told me that a large number of male porn actors use Viagra to ensure performance.

There are many health issues that may cause a man not to get an erection, i.e. stress, prostate problems, poor eating habits, etc. But for swingers, let's address the most common cause - intimidation and/or high anxiety. Although Donny was eager to play, his mind was ahead of his body. What he needed to do was just be himself, go with the flow, and not move to fast. The need to be the best lover he can be can weigh heavy on a man psychologically and can deter his ability to perform and to please his partner.

The important thing to know is that it could happen with any female. Some men feel uncomfortable being in the same room with the husband if she is part of a couple. Some men may also be so homophobic that they don't like the idea of other guys looking at them having sex or being right next to them. For whatever reason, if it does happen, don't panic. Go back to foreplay. Have her try a little oral stimulation or a little massaging. If none of that works maybe not getting an erection is a blessing in disguise. This is where your fingers, mouth, and tongue can come your rescue. Just because you can't reach an orgasm doesn't mean she can't and in the effort to make her cum, you just might get aroused and end up being ready like Freddy!

Single Ladies

Welcome, you are the most sought after category in the scene!

You can afford to be choosy, and pick the person or people you want to play with.
If you advertise on an internet site you will probably be hit with over 400 emails a day, so be prepared to do a lot of reading. When you place your ad explain exactly what you are looking for, even eye/hair color, some guys do read the ads before responding, but many just send a standard response to every girl and couple who advertise in the hope that someone somewhere will want them. If you are happy to respond to all the emails say so in the ad, if you will not be responding to some people - those with no photo, those who have brown eyes when you asked for blue etc. - say so in the ad. 

Be honest, and keep to your word. Describe yourself accurately. If you are a size 16, say so, don't pretend that you are a size 12-14. Guys are not quite so stupid that on meeting you they will not realize. You will also find that there is a big demand for larger girls. 
If you say in your ad that all emails will be answered, answer them, even if just a "no thanks, not this time", many of the sites have a pre written email, and you simply have to click "no thanks" if you decide you do not want to meet a person.

If you do find someone you want to meet make sure you do so in a safe environment, not at that persons house. Meet in a pub, hotel lounge or swingers club, make sure you are happy with them in a social setting before making arrangements to meet them in private. If they say they are a couple talk to both people on their telephone, make a note of their number - you must make sure that you talk to both of them, do not accept excuses that the partner is late home from work, putting the kids to bed, nursing a dying mother or shagging the local football team, if you cannot talk to them, they probably do not exist, or are not aware of the situation.

When you leave home make sure someone knows where you are going, leave a sealed envelope to be opened if you do not ring in by a certain time, in it put the email addresses, telephone number and location of the meeting, its better to be safe and embarrassed than dead.

Whoever you are going to meet remember that although its scary, the other people will be as nervous as you. Don't get drunk or drugged up. No once fancies people who are not in control of their faculties. A drink to steady the nerves is OK, bouncing off the walls and throwing up is not going to impress anyone.

Single Males

Guys you have the hardest struggle of all. There are thousands of you all wanting to get involved in the swinging scene, most it must be said simply because its the easiest way to get sex without getting a mortgage, kids and an overdraft!, many due to broken marriages or relationships, but sadly there also many miss-fits; like the guys who have no social graces and are therefore unable to make friends through work or social gatherings, those who see themselves as gods gift to women, and as a result no woman wants to know them, and sadly the ones who have odor problems.

You will have to make a lot of effort to be picked by a couple or a lady. 

Here are some things that may help you:

• Honesty - don't exaggerate your looks, ability, wealth etc. If you are 30 say 30, if 50 say 50. Ladies are more interested in the real you than an age, but if they catch you lying about one thing, they will not trust you on anything else! If you are a married male or a "significant other" playing away from home, say so, pretending to be single but sneaking off to make phone calls, or having to rush off to beat a curfew is not going to fool anyone for very long.

• Relevancy - If you respond to an ad, make sure you are what the advertiser is looking for. Don't respond to an ad asking for a 20 something green eyed, blonde male if you are 45, grey hair and brown eyes - you will just frustrate the advertiser by clogging up their mail box.

• Concise - Make your email response concise, but not a one line "I want to shag you" Make sure that you fit the description of the person the advertiser is looking for, and reiterate the points where you fit the description. Don't send them a 2000 word essay outlining your every fantasy and experience to date, you can go into these details later. Remember first impressions count, be polite, open, and to the point without being blunt.

• Grooming - If you get lucky and are invited to meet socially turn up smart. An unshaven, guy in crumpled clothes and smelling of sweat will not get you into their bedroom - unless the girl has specified that she is looking for a bit of rough. On the other hand, don't wear a bottle of aftershave! Dress appropriately for the venue, smart casual - clean and pressed clothes - will see you through in most venues. Remember to shower, clean your teeth and brush your hair.

• Pictures - If you are sending a picture, or putting a picture on your ad follow a few simple rules.

• Unless requested, always send a face & body shot, don't use cock shots, girls look at eyes, hands, bums, legs and hair before they look at cocks. It may be your pride and joy, but it is more likely to lose you responses than gain them for you. If they do want to see your 9" monster they will ask.

• Use a recent picture, you can fool someone until you meet them. Just because you get them to meet you does not mean you will get any further if the picture was of someone else, or you 10 years ago.

• Put your email address or profile name across the center of the picture, this is to stop photo collectors, and to enable people to remember which photo goes with which email.

• Make the picture about 600 X 600 pixels, no more than 96dpi and a .jpg this will send through the emails quickly, and not take up all the persons hard disk space. I know 3 couples that delete any email where the picture is more than 250k.

• Couples - as a single male you are more likely to get action with a couple, than you are with a single girl. Don't worry, you will find that most of the guys in couples are straight, but they love to watch their wife with another guy/guys. You just clarify before the meet that a) there is a couple by talking on the telephone and b) asking outright if the guy is straight.

• Parties - There are parties running every weekend. Most are for couples only; some are for couples and guys or greedy girls and guys. It is a sad fact of life that 90% of the time you will be charged more as a single guy than the couples or girls will pay; this is down to supply and demand. Do not go to these parties looking for a one on one session with a girl, it is just not going to happen. If however you follow the rules of etiquette, you are almost guaranteed sex, as the girls who attend these parties like to have lots of men. You will find that most often it is the clubs that cater for single men rather than parties held by swingers in their homes. Before you go to a party make sure you read the etiquette section on this site.

• Single girls - If you see an ad from a single girl, read it carefully. If it looks to good to be true, it probably is. Lots of girls are actually guys advertising trying to collect your pictures (see info about pictures above), others may be escorts trying to get you to call them, and of course some of them are real. If they advertise, they are looking for what they say in their ad. 

• Sobriety - Don't get drunk, or try kissing the girl if you are stinking of beer. Take some breath fresh mints with you. Remember, although the girl is looking for some fun in the sack, she has many other guys to choose from. Whoever you are going to meet remember that although its scary, the other people will be as nervous as you. Don't get drugged up either. No once fancies people who are not in control of their faculties. A drink to steady the nerves is OK, bouncing off the walls and throwing up is not going to impress anyone.

• Grace - If you respond to an ad and you get a turn down, don't harass the advertiser. Be graceful and accept that you may not fit the person’s requirements. Sending dozens of mails asking for reasons or being abusive will not get you anywhere, and in many cases will mean that a warning goes around the community to avoid you.

• Love - Never fall in love with a swinger. Swinging is about having fun with other people. Most of these people are in happy relationships and are looking for sex, not love. Declaring your love for someone is going to complicate the issues, and put strains on everyone's relationships, you could even destroy the other person’s marriage.
If you are looking for love check one of the many lonely hearts sites.

• First Date - Turn Up, on time, remember - You only have one chance to make a first impression - screw up the first meeting and you are history. You will be seen a as timewaster, and couples talk. If you make a good impression they will probably meet you again, they may share you with their friends, and take you to parties. Make a bad impression and the word will go around that you are no good; your chances of swinging will drop to zero. The swinging scene does not work on the adage "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen".

Swinging Couples

Many couples enjoy fantasizing about having sex with other people, more and more of these people are deciding to make these fantasies become a reality, which is great news for the people already in the scene, as we always enjoy having new people come and join us. There are of course pitfalls and there are several things you should consider before you come and join in the fun.

Don't push or pull your partner into the scene.

Talk about your fantasies in the cold light of day, if you both want to make them become a reality, then start making contact with people. If either one of you is not ready, STOP. 
Dragging a reluctant partner to meet another couple, or taking them to a party is not going to make them change their minds. There is a very high risk that it will lead to the end of your relationship with each other.

Decide what your boundaries are.

Don't go along to your first meeting or party without making sure you have agreed on what you are happy doing, what you are happy for your partner to do, and what area's are no go zones.

For example, maybe you agree that on your first meeting you will be happy for both of you to get involved in everything except full intercourse, as long as you both know what the boundaries are, and you have told the people you are meeting what they are you will have no problems as long as you stick to them.

When you get home that night, talk about the experience, be it good or bad, make sure you were both OK with it, and that you both want to move forward, or you want to stop.
If you are happy and want to move forward, decide what changes, if any, you want to make to the rules under which you both play. Never step outside your boundaries without agreement, don't try to modify the boundaries on the evening, always start the evening knowing exactly what is and is not allowed.

I have seen people get divorced because they did not keep to their agreements.
Never fall in love!

Swinging is about having fun with other people. Most of these people are in happy relationships and are looking for sex, not love. Declaring your love for someone is going to complicate the issues, and put strains on everyone's relationships, you could even destroy the other person’s marriage.

If you are looking for love check one of the many lonely hearts sites.

First steps
Decide on which fantasy you want to fulfill first - meet a couple, meet a single guy, meet a single girl or go to a party.
Each of the above has a different degree of difficulty; I will now list them in ease of arranging

• Meeting a single guy.

This is by far the easiest meeting for a couple to arrange. There are a huge number of single guys who are happy to be in a three some situation. There are several ways to meet a single guy; the most reliable are to browse the men seeking couples ads, or to place your own ad. If you place an ad make sure you explain the type of person you are looking for, your boundaries, where you are, where you can travel, if you want to meet at their location, your location or a neutral place.

Couples placing an ad to meet a single guy on a reputable swingers site can expect up to 400 responses a day! Of course most of these will be people who do not meet what you are looking for. You will need to put aside time to respond to the emails, even if just to say sorry, no thanks.

• Going to a party or a swingers club

There are many parties held every weekend in most large towns and cities, swingers clubs are often open 6 or 7 nights a week.

Before you go to a party or to a club, read all the information you can about the event to ensure that they cater for new comers, or for your tastes. Some venues have different kinds of parties on different nights, so make sure you are aware of the type of party you will be going to.

• Couples only - pretty self-explanatory, their will only be other couples at the party. (Many "couples only" parties also allow single ladies to attend)

• Couples and singles - usually a few couples and many single guys, occasionally a few single girls.

• Greedy girls - up to about 6 girls and as many as 75 men.

• Spa's - much like greedy girls parties, though most have a couple’s only area where you can get some respite.

Party and club etiquette is that if you say "No" to someone they must leave you alone. If they do not, complain to the management.

• Meeting a couple.

This option is almost as easy, but you now have 4 people, all of who will have to be happy with the other pair, be patient and look for people you are both happy with. Expect some knock backs, just because you fancy a couple, and each other, it does not follow that the couple will fancy both of you!

After you have made contact via email, and it looks as though the four of you may have enough in common to meet. Arrange to talk on the phone. This is an important step, as you will need to weed out single guys pretending to be couples and husbands (and occasionally wives) who are trying to pull their partner along by making arrangements. When you make the arrangement use a mobile number, or you could end up with unwanted calls to your home number. You must make sure that all 4 of you talk, do not accept excuses that the partner is late home from work, putting the kids to bed, nursing a dying mother or shagging the local football team, if you cannot talk to them, they probably do not exist, or are not aware of the situation.

• Meeting a single girl

This is by far the most difficult to achieve. There are many single girls in the scene, but as they are fussier than single males, they tend to be more elusive and exclusive. Many are in long tem friendships with couples. It is not uncommon for couples to search for years without finding a single girl to join them.

You and your partner both find each other attractive, but not everyone else will, single girls will be more choosy and will need to find both of you attractive.

Whoever you are going to meet remember that although its scary, the other people will be as nervous as you. Don't get drunk or drugged up. No once fancies people who are not in control of their faculties. A drink to steady the nerves is OK, bouncing off the walls and throwing up is not going to impress anyone.

Good vibrations

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz - Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. "What's that noise?" I said. My husband looked at me in bewilderment and shook his head and said, "It sounds like an alarm." Then our attention was directed at the person in front of us. We were at a grocery store in line waiting to check out. The lady in front of us hit her bag against her cart and set off something and she was franticly digging to find the source of what was making her bag vibrate. "Oh my God, what the heck is that?" I thought. But a minute later, I knew what it was as she pulled out a small silver bullet. I recognized it right away -- it was a personal vibrator. She quickly turned it off and looked around to see if we were watching -- we gave her a little grin and quickly looked away. We didn't want to embarrass her any more then she had already been.

Men tend to masturbate pretty much the same way -- women masturbate in many different ways. The key, of course, is clitoral stimulation and the way women achieve clitoral stimulation varies greatly. Certainly many use their hands, the way men do, but many women who feel the need to masturbate are reluctant to touch themselves and many require more stimulation than their hands can provide.

Personal female masturbators and vibrators have become quite popular. In fact it has become a multimillion-dollar industry. They come in many different types, each with its own pluses and minuses. They are great for achieving orgasm if you can't do it with just your hands only. They are also a very good way of giving your self a special treat now and then.

Many women, both married, single, and yes swingers, are now carrying their own personal toys with them in their purses and pocket books just like a cosmetic item. Female masturbators and vibrators are usually smaller then a full size dildo making them more convenient to take with you wherever you go. Imagine going through airport security with a 12 inch "Butt Buster" in your bag? Of maybe even a huge "Jack Hammer Clit Invader" -- that would be a riot.

Some women require sexual releases more than others. There is no reason why you can't have an orgasm during the normal course of a workday especially if you are stressed. Women in high stress positions are more likely to have personal mini masturbators or vibrators then let's say an everyday housewife. Orgasms, believe it or not, can also help to relieve stress and are probably the quickest and best way to relax if you're in a situation where your anxiety is high. That's not to say that if your boss is yelling you at that you whip out your toy and start playing with yourself. Many masturbators and vibrators can easily be carried into the bathroom, or if you are more daring, right under your desk for a mid morning or lunchtime orgasm. The only bad thing is that some of them do make some level of noise - anywhere from a low hum to a loud buzzing sound. Of course it can be masked if it's inside you. If you were around co-workers the only thing that would alert them would be the huge smile on your face. If you're into heavy clit stimulus, this might present an issue.

There are several different types of toys available.

25K Vibro Ring - Vibrating Ring : Powerful, discreet ring that lights up, strobes and vibrates! This fits comfortably on any finger. Batteries included.

Alexa's Micro Orchid : Alexa's Micro Orchid is a multi-speed, incredibly soft little micro-orchid with sensuously powerful vibrations and a penetrating stamen with nodule tip for extra erotic sensation. It has fluttering leaves for optimal stimulation, a comfortable, heavy-duty adjustable g-string, and a unique clip-on design for hands-free enjoyment. The micro orchid is made of a very soft, translucent, hygienic silicone and one size fits most!

Aria's Decadent Lovebird : Over 30 impulse patterns with 5 hypersonic functions! Impulse 5-battery pack and unique clip-on for hands free enjoyment! Comfortable, fully adjustable g-string straps and graduated led indicator! .

This is an excellent toy for swingers. There are times when the female might need a little help in achieving an orgasm. This often happens when she has a new encounter. To make the encounter more satisfying, a toy could be her salvation.

Wild Nympho Wives

She wants sex in the morning -- she wants sex in the afternoon and evening too. She wants it in the car, my God; she wants it all the time. She's like an energizer bunny, she just keeps going and going and you just can't keep up. If she's not playing with you, she's playing with her toys. What's wrong with her?

This can't be a surprise to you. If you've been in the lifestyle for any length of time, you are bond to run across a couple where the female is somewhat "high-energy", no matter what her age. Some call them "super freaks", some say sexy sluts and to some they are referred to as Nymphos.

In the lifestyle there are quite a few men, married or in a relationship, with these high-energy women. It's no secret that in general, women are capable of having 5, 10 or even 20 or more orgasms in the course of an evening. In fact, one of the major factors for some couples joining the lifestyle is to satisfy the high sex drive of their mates.

Nymphomania is a layperson's term used to label a woman whose sex drive or sexual activity is subjectively deemed too high. This is not a scientifically meaningful term because there are no specific criteria defining how much sexual desire or activity is too much.

For the most part, the label of Nymphomania is used in a pejorative and derogatory manner and almost exclusively in reference to women. To many men, the idea that a woman has a greater sex drive than their own is somewhat threatening -- so they may use the label to preserve their own egos by "proving" that the woman is abnormal.

Similarly, men with sexual dysfunction might accuse their partners of being oversexed in an effort to hide their own fears or sense of inadequacy. Just as some women who object to the frequency of their partner's sexual advances might accuse him of being oversexed. The double standard which exists in our society that congratulates a man who is highly sexed and has many partners, calling him a "stud", whereas a woman with the same behavior is often called a "Nympho", which carries a negative connotation.

In our world, our lifestyle, being a nympho is not a bad thing. In fact, some men and women love meeting and playing with insatiable females. They tend to be a lot of fun, are very responsive and the sex never ends. Many women who are high-energy usually don't become aggressive until they get in a sexual environment. One female friend told me that their sex life is pretty normal until they go out to party, then she turns into a "Super Slut" as she puts it, and wants to have sex with everybody, including the women. "I didn't get all dressed up for nothing," she would say.

The lifestyle is their outlet to satisfy their desires. Many couples choose private house parties over the commercial club venue, because of the simple fact that they are in the lifestyle mainly to have sex. Commercial clubs are geared more towards newbies, socializing, people who like playing dress-up, meeting, teasing, drinking, and dancing. Meeting a couple and actually having sex with them is primarily up to you and there is never a guarantee that there will be sex. Whereas, smaller, intimate private house parties are actually geared towards those who are there to play and play a lot. Some private house parties invite single men just for the mere fact that there will more than likely will be at least one woman in attendance that is a "nympho." That is something you don' t see very often in most swinger venues because single men are generally looked down upon, especially by couples who's male counterpart feels they don't have anything to offer. But there are some swingers who love having extra men around to help service their nympho wives.

There is no shame in being a nympho -- so ladies if this is you, enjoy! Go out there and be a star!